When Best Friends Fall Out

Nanny Boo Boo phoned me up last night to ask me how I thought the surprise for Fabian Wildman went. I didn't have a go at her about it being a surprise for me too. She skirted around it for a bit saying that she hoped he had a nice time and that maybe I'd like to come down another night and do it again.

I told her I love coming to visit her but I'd prefer if she'd let me know when Fabian Wildman is going to be there. She said that she thinks he's in a lot of trouble at the minute and he's living with that weirdo who kills animals. She says that she's scared for him.

I told her that before he lived with me Fabian Wildman used to live with a satanist who had full blown conversations with imaginary daemons and threaten him with knives. I didn't tell her that I used to talk to daemons as well.

She said that she knew Fabian had been bad in the past but that he needed his friends round him now. I told her I'd think about it.

Where do you cut some people off? (Fabian not Nanny Boo Boo).

I was shaken awake last night to see Fabian Wildman's big tearful face looming over me in the moonlight.

"It's him," he whimpered. "It's the Death Owl."

At first I thought he was downstairs but then I heard him screaming through the wall.

"Fat Rab wanted to kill that goat," he screeched. "he was doing it to please our lord Satan."

The next voice I heard was Hooka's. It was loud and tearful but not afraid.

"You won't be killing any more animals in this house. You're not fucking welcome here."

I didn't hear Fat Rab jumping in on any of their sides, joyless coward.

"The next full moon, we'll be having a blood sacrifice here, Fat Rab has already agreed." The Death Owl shouted back.

"I don't care," Hooka shouted. "I'll call the police on you again and if they won't do anything the blood sacrifice will be you."

Then I heard Fat Rab.

"Hooka please put down that knife. The Death Owl is a very powerful warlock."

"I won't harm your woman," laughed The Death Owl, "but let us sacrifice that wanker next door's new puppy."

I jumped out of bed and put my clothes on. I didn't give a fuck what Fabian Wildman saw.

"Stay here and bring Battle Cat inside," I told him.

I walked out onto the street and banged on their door.

"The Death Owl, come out here to I kick your fuck in," I shouted up at the window.

Hooka came down and pleaded with me.

"Please don't make him angry, he knows some very powerful spells," she sobbed.

I barged past her and caught the Death Owl coming down the stairs. I trailed him down them and dragged him out onto the street, where I gave him a severe beating.

"Right You fucking cunt," I shouted. "I don't give a fuck what magic you can do, or what daemons you send to my house. You ever touch my dog, anything ever happens to him I don't care where you are, I'll fucking end you. Is that clear?"

"You're making a mistake to mess with me," he growled.

I booted him twice in the face.

"You've already made a fucking mistake to mess with me." I shouted back at him.

He waved his wand pathetically but I kicked his wand arm and he screamed in pain. I went in the house and made sure everyone was alright then I went back to bed.

I was woken up at 4am by this song blasting through the walls. I guess Hooka and Fat Rab made up.



It isn't fair.

When I got up this morning (afternoon really), Fabian and Battle Cat were nowhere to be seen. At first I worried Fabian might have stolen him but after seeing Fabian had cleaned all Battle Cat's turd off the kitchen floor I just assumed he'd taken him for a walk.

I made myself a cup of tea and sat out in the garden, even though it was bollocks freezing. The garden is really pretty this time of year. When I moved in it was just grass, so I planted a few wee trees. It's now really pretty wild and the trees have all lost their leaves.

Hooka came out after a while and said hello. I asked her how come I haven't heard her and Fat Rab slam dancing to heavy metal for a while. She said that they'd been rowing and Fat Rab spent most of his time over at The Death Owl's. She said The Death Owl's flatmate had done a bunk and left him with loads of bills to pay.

I told her I thought The Death Owl was a prick.

She started to cry. She said that she didn't like him either, that before they knew him, her and Fat Rab just did the I Ching and now they were slicing up goats in their own home.

She was becoming a bit hysterical and I really wanted to leave but I felt sorry for her.

She said she had seen The Craft when she was at grammar school and she thought it would be cool to do some witchcraft for fun, and that she hadn't wanted to cut the goat up, because she grew up on a farm and she liked animals, except for pigs because when she was a kid her big brothers put her in with the pigs and she was scared of them because they had big long snotters running out of their snouts and that's why the only meat she eats is bacon.

She then said she wanted to buy a cat and look after it as a way of saying sorry to animals for killing the goat and that she saw I'd a dog and she was worried the dog would eat her cat.

I told her that Battle Cat was only a puppy, and if she bought her cat now the two of them could be friends.

She said she'd like that.

I was totally set to go to my brother's intervention when I ran into Fabian Wildman in Botanic. I was supposed to catch the train but I was feeling hassled, so when he invited me back to his for a smoke of crack I graciously accepted.

He told me all about The Death Owl getting arrested and how he's been gassing rats in their oven as part of a spell to stop himself getting sent down. It's a bit fucked up and the worry was showing in Fabian's face as he talked and talked. I told him he should get the landlord to chuck The Death Owl out but he just shrugged. I think he's scared of him.

I caught the train late and ended up getting to my metaller brother's house wasted off my face two hours late. It was mostly over by the time I got there. My fruitarian brother was talking about how plants feel pain and saying if a dog ate our babies we'd have it put down. It was horrific.

I went up to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom but all he had was some calpol. Paracetamol is easy to overdose on so I left it alone. I bet the mean bastard cleared it out especially for me.

I fucked off after that. My hotshot banker brother (Northern since you asked) never bothered his arse showing up so it was only the metaller and Wino Jo (my oldest brother, who could also do with his own intervention) left to take care of things. I went round to the Fruitarian's house and left him a basket of fruit. I hope he's okay. Winter's coming in and I keep thinking about the guy at the end of Into The Wild. I hope he weathers it okay.