Nanny Boo Boo Is

Today I went down to Nanny Boo Boo's to ask her to Fabian Wildman's leaving do. When I got there she was icing a cake. She asked me to go into the cupboard and get a nice bottle of the two for one pinotage out.

"Are we bringing this up to Fabian Wildman?" I asked.

"No," she said. "Me and you are going to drink it and eat this cake."

I opened the wine and asked her why'd she bake a cake for me.

She said that Fabian Wildman's been visiting her a lot. She said he's worried about me. He thinks I'm depressed. He says I sit about the house watching videos most of the time. Plus she said she likes to bake cakes and eat them but she's putting on weight because she doesn't usually have anyone to eat them with, so today I was having half.

That's weird Fabian Wildman telling Nanny Boo Boo this, he's usually so good at telling me things upfront.

I told her I did sit around watching videos but that I wasn't depressed. I told her that I'd like a sweetheart but that I didn't know any hot girls. That I'd got myself a protege, and I was going to exploit him while teaching about how the world is full of bastards (namely by being a bastard to him).

She asked me why I couldn't be nice and help him avoid the pitfalls of growing up.

I told her that if I did this then he'd think every time he fucked up that someone would come along and help him out, whereas people normally see you making a balls up as an opportunity to sink the boot in you.

She says that's not strictly true. She said I had her and Fabian Wildman and Battle Cat to help me out and that they all get help from me, so everyone looks after each other and it's nice.

I told her that this wasn't always the case, and I spent a few lonely years just pulling myself out of scrapes or laying low until the dust settled, but that I was glad other people had my back.

She said that I should help this kid out and that he maybe needs a break.

I told her that it was the wee guy who was sticking bangers up cats arses.

"Oh?" she said. "In that case, kick him so hard in the arse you break his tailbone."

Then we drank both bottles of wine and ate the rest of the cake and Nanny Boo Boo kept telling me about ideas she had for how I could maim and damage my protege, as they came to her. Some of them were right and fucked up and I've no doubt if we'd never met and she still had Battle Cat he'd have eaten someone by now.

A nice Suprise

Yesterday started off really pish. I went and bought more booze and went down to Tomb St Carpark where all the Emo kids hang out but it was too pish for them to be out so
I sat by myself listening to cars passing overhead. Then I took a walk out Corporation Square and watched the boats leave. Lucky bastards. Someday maybe me.

Then I walked home pished and pissed off. I stopped in at an internet cafe and tried to look up porn but the guy behind the counter kept staring at my screen so I could only see parts of a naked lady as I had to shrink the window and scroll.

I still haven't heard back about my job.

When I got home I found my key wouldn't work in the lock, some wee bastard probably tried to pick it. I hoped I'd get in round the back, that or maybe one of the neighbours would let me kip over at theirs.

Battle Cat ran to the back gate when I jumped over it and jumped up on me and started licking me.

"Hello pup, at least you're glad to see me," I said. He woofed in agreement.

The backdoor was easily opened but I'd no sooner got inside than the lights went on and everyone shouted "surprise!"

There was Nanny BooBoo, Hot Baby Roy, My Brothers (apart from the hot shot banker),My Protege The Sweaty Metallers, The Banshee, The Indie Kid, even Rock and Roll Stephen (who invited him?), Good King Thumpo (this could be trouble), and two girls I didn't know (my new neighbours).

I didn't have a chance to say anything before they launched into a big chorus of Happy Birthday. This was rock and roll at it's best.

After everything I didn't know what to say, I was a bit overwhelmed because I hadn't mentioned it to anyone and I hadn't planned on celebrating it.

Battle Cat saved me by coming padding in wagging his tail. He's grown so much in the past year.

"Right let's get some cake in you," said Nanny BooBoo. Then the party took off Rock and Roll style with everyone coming up to me and giving me presents and pats on the back.

Nanny BooBoo gave me a leather jacket (because in her day that's what cool dudes wore), Hot Baby Roy gave me a DVD of Wild Child ("no excuses for not watching it now," he said). The Indie Kid gave me a piece of paper that said No Hard Feelings signed Johnny Borrell, My Protege gave me some cans of spray paint which I'm sure he's stolen but he was talking about how we can do some cool graffiti together, my Metaller brother gave me a Phil Collins CD which actually had a Metallica one inside it and a post it saying - this is real Heavy Metal. Then there were all the typical bottles of assorted booze that we were going to get pished on throughout the evening.

The party was in full swing and I was having a great time running round everyone blabbing shite. My metaller brother was having a great time talking to the sweaty metallers who seemed to be getting on again (there was talk of them starting another band). I said thanks to Nanny BooBoo because I knew that it could only be her who organised it. She said that it was nothing I was always doing things to help out other people, so she thought it was time someone did something nice for me.

After a while the booze started to run low so I popped out to get some more. It was pretty late and the off-licence near me was closing. It (like a lot of fucking shops in Belfast) always closes about ten minutes before it's supposed to.

There knocking on the door was Hooka, she looked so different, she'd none of the goth witch look about her anymore, all blonde hair and pink flourescent tights.

"Hey Hooka, how've you been?" I said.
"Who are you?" she said.
"It's me, Tuesday Kid."
"Oh," she said. Then went back to knocking the door.

We weren't getting booze there. I walked off to a place I know sells it after hours (can't say where, I'd feel shit if it got busted because of me). Seeing Hooka was fucking strange.

Not as strange though as turning the next corner and seeing Fabian Wildman leaning on the gate post at the edge of someone's garden. He leaned over and boked all over the footpath.

"Tuesday Kid," he said seeing me. "You better not stick around, Mother of Bowling Ball's inside. if he comes out it'll be bad."

"Fuck him, why aren't you at my party? Why haven't you been round?"

"I've been busy with other things he said. Sandcastles came out. She took one look at me, then gave Fabian a kiss and went back inside.

"So you're not with Betty Blue anymore?" I asked.

"No, it's me and Sandcastles now, we're heading for the goal line," he said. I don't think he meant it. He'd a hole in his shoes and his clothes looked pretty dirty. He's going back into one of his phases where he sits around doing fuck all but getting wasted. I can't see her sticking with him then.

"You're a bastard, after all I did to help you out and you just shrug and fuck off with your dick head mates."

"Things are taking shape for me," he said. "You're going through some things, you need to sort them out for yourself."

"I gave you a place to live, I lied to the cops for you."

He pulled some face like this was no big deal. I wasn't to me but I could just as easily have let them arrest him.

I wanted to hit him but Mother of Bowling Ball came running out.

"So, you're Tuesday Kid? Let's see you act tough now," he said.

I dropped him with one punch.

"Fuck you," I said to Fabian Wildman, then I fucked off up the road. I even forgot to get the booze, I just went back to mine.

It was strange seeing him and Hooka. In a way I'd no bad feelings towards her. She looked like she's sorted herself out a bit, I always got the impression that she wasn't so happy with being a witch, Fabian though just looked like he was bumming from one lot to the next working out how he can get wasted and fuck about.

I went back to mine and found my party was getting a bit of a shambles too.

The Sweaty Metallers were squaring up and my metaller brother was getting in the middle telling them to take it easy. Rock and Roll Stephen was shaking with fear close to tears and a big wet patch on his tight jeans as the pish flowed down his leg. Good King Thumpo had him backed into a corner and was getting ready to hit him.

Nanny BooBoo was trying to stop The Indie Kid and My Protege from fighting with blunt butter knives. What had went wrong?

"Friends," I said jumping up on the table. "If you really are my friends then listen to me. All I want you to do for me is one thing - be cool!"

"I told you he was fucking deep," said My Protege. Everyone nodded. Then this started playing.



Hot Baby Roy (who put the song on) lined us all up and got his camera out. He told us to look at it and shout "Who are we?"

A deep question indeed. Some people maybe look to me for the answer. I just realised it's not important to answer it.

My Protege Teaches Me

I took the Death Owl's money and went and bought a bottle of wine and sat down at the Lagan Lookout at Stranmillis.

I couldn't believe I was here on my own, with no job and pish all money. How the fuck had this happened?

How had I not found a job? or why wasn't I living somewhere nice? Or had a girlfriend? Cunts like the Death Owl seemed to be winning why I was a busted loser.

My protege came and found me. He told me he wanted a new lesson.

I asked him what could I teach him? In truth I'm a terrible teacher, and that's usually okay for my terrible students (he's not the first I've given knowledge to) but it wasn't okay for him.

He told me he thought I was badass and that he could learn how to be cool from my coolness and he knows that I've made mistakes and that's cool because he wants to learn from them too.

"Okay," I said. "Here's your last lesson: do as I say, not as I do," then I boked all over myself and burst into tears.

He gave me a hug and told me I was a great role model because I taught him that it was okay to cry if you were a badass.

A big snotter came out my nose. He didn't mention that.

Tuesday Kid Brings Knowledge to the Streets

After the other day I decided it's time I took more interest into my Protege. I don't want him to become another version of me. I want him to be better.

I went down Stranmillis to find him and ran into Hot Baby Roy.

"This is a bit out of your stomping ground," I said.

"Not at all," said Hot Baby Roy. "The joggers, the fine athletic wear on the nice women here."

I told him that someone would twist his balls if they caught him perving. He snorted and said that he could take care of himself.

I told him that the joggers didn't take too kindly to being leered at.

Then my protege came along and said that he needed another lesson.

Hot Baby Roy said. "Tell girls a fake name, but one that sounds similar to your real name, so you can say they misheard if you like them."

"Hot Baby Roy stop corrupting him. I'm teaching him knowledge to get him off the streets."

Hot Baby Roy looked all shocked.

"Tell him how to get his hole and he'll be fine, he'll work out the rest if he needs to," he said.

Then he went off to perv at jogger ladies.

I turned to my protege and said, "if you ever find yourself in the company of ginger people, make your excuses and run before they learn your name."

Tuesday Kid The Teacher - Lesson Number 3

After Spitboke stopped crying she left. She did give me her number and I think I'm going to call her but I don't hold out much hope for it. It's probably the flirt divert. I used to phone it sometimes when I was bored and leave sappy messages that bordered on unhinged, in the hope of getting on the radio but then I got paranoid that the cops would be tracking my number so I changed it. This better not happen again.

I went for a walk down to Stranmillis because I think it's time I had it out with my protege. What can he possibly learn from me other than not to do the things I've done?

I eventually found him with some of his mates. He said they were going to go and smash some windows. Then it hit me. He was about to make all the mistakes I've already made.

I told him that smashing windows was fun but that someday he'll smash the wrong windows and get his legs broke. He said it was okay because they only broke old people's windows. I hit him a clash in the face and told him that I'd a friend who was old that lived in Stranmillis and if he smashed her windows he'd get his legs broke by me.

"You see, I said to him, lesson number three: You can't judge people by who you think they are. E.g just because someone is old doesn't mean there isn't a hard bastard brimming with thug passion standing behind them with a baseball bat."

One of his spidey mates said: "Tuesday Kid's got knowledge."

I was so proud. I felt like Furious in Boyz in the Hood.

Fabian Finds a Place

Fabian Wildman's found a place. He's moving in with Betty Blue and her arty pals. This sucks because I know I'm going to have Hot Baby Roy move in, and he's an okay guy but it's just that I know we'll sit about the house watching wanking movies all day, and I was thinking of sorting myself out.

Fabian says we'll still hang out but we've been hanging out less and less these days. I'll try.

I went down to Stranmillis find my protege. I was going to teach him his second lesson but he was nowhere to be seen. I sat down the Lagan Meadows getting trashed on cheap wine and feeding the ducks, but they fucked off when the bread ran out. Why am I always left on my own? How come everyone else always finds a place to go?