Rescuing Fabian Wildman from the Amazon Porn Army

Nanny Boo Boo phoned me in a wile state earlier. It was horrible, she was saying she had a phonecall from Fabian Wildman and he was in a wile state, she thought he'd been smoking that horrible crack and he said he was chained to a radiator in the house of some guy called Vandle van Bundle.

"Do you mean Zim Van Bindle?" I asked.

"That's it," she sobbed down the phone.

There's nothing to spur you into action like an old woman crying. I forgot all about not being so keen on Fabian Wildman and his piss drinking ways anymore. I pulled on my coat and told Nanny Boo Boo I'd be back with a safe Fabian in no time.

I hoped on a bus (or two, maybe two) and in no time I was at Zim Van Bindle's house. I knocked on the door and when no one answered I braced myself to kick it down king kong kung-fu style. I was worried and thought that maybe a snarling horny Battle Cat could have won the day for me. I gave the door a final knock out of politeness and some sketchy man with black eyes answered the door. I pushed past him into the living room where Zim Van Bindle was sitting watch a DVD of Barb Wire surrounded by some she-ras.

"Where's Fabian Wildman?" I shouted.

"He's in the bathroom, he's going to test out the amazon warriors for me," Zim Van Bindle said. "I have to know that they can do this."

He pointed at the TV screen where this was happening:



"Fuck that," I said heading for the stairs.

"I went upstairs where Fabian Wildman was quivering below the sink with a load of other soon to be pulp guys. I did a macho thing and kicked the sink off the wall and screamed "Girl Power" the guys all ran off screaming.

Fabian Wildman and me escaped out of the window because we knew that the She-Ra's would destroy all the wimpy men running down the stairs. That plus Fabian Wildman owed Zim Van Bindle lots for weeks of crack he'd let him smoke.

Fabian is now sleeping on my couch. Hopefully he's learnt his lesson. I'm still not sure how I feel about everything but I'm glad that Zim Van Bindle's amazon army didn't fuck him up. Nanny Boo Boo was so pleased when I called her, she said that I should bring Battle Cat down for a big bowl of rotten sausages and me and Fabian Wildman down for wine.

Hot Baby Roy's Comic Book Creation

Hot Baby Roy called round today. He said since Fabian Wildman was off crack he thought the two of them might start paling around again.

He started talking about how he had started drawing comics and he had an idea for an action hero that was going to make him millions.

He said that it wasn't really his idea but that he was visited by people while high on crack and they told it to him and said he could use it free of charge.

Fabian Wildman (perhaps sensing a chance to change the subject) told him that I used to hallucinate that I was being visited by a daemon that looked like Sammy Wilson.

Hot Baby Roy snorted at this and said Sammy Wilson was a good man and that he wouldn't visit a crackhead. (He neglected to mention whether or not he believed him to be a daemon).

I said I wasn't so sure that they were hallucinations and that Sammy Wilson (or Balkazaler) told me a few things that convinced me they were one and the same.

There was an awkward silence after this and nobody would look at each other.

Fabian Wildman tried to ease the tension by asking Hot Baby Roy what his idea was.

Hot Baby Roy said that he'd come up with this character who was a big strong man and a kung-fu expert and he could kick the fuck out of any woman.

There was another awkard silence after this and Fabian Wildman asked him why women.

Hot Baby Roy said that there were lots of female comic book characters whose only selling point was that they could beat up men, and he was just turning the tables on them. He listed off Barb Wire and Supergirl.

Fabian Wildman pointed out that Supergirl could also fly but he'd give him Barb Wire.

Hot Baby Roy stormed out of the house cursing his head off.