My Hot Date in Belfast

So me and The Punchbowl Girl went to China China last week for our hot date, and I haven't posted since. So here's what happened.

I show up at four like we'd arranged. You see China China has this all you can eat buffet deal. I you leave before five you are charged £5.99. If you leave before seven you're charged £7.99 and I think there's a third price but I don't know what it is.

Anyway I'm sitting there at four thinking we've an hour to stuff our faces and go somewhere else. Come half four there's no sign of The Punchbowl Girl. I'd been worrying since I arrived that she might not get there in time for us to get a good scran up.

I was starting to think she wasn't coming at all and maybe I should just get a big feed and ball my eyes out. I thought about texting her but I didn't want to blow my cool. What if she was coming. I felt like crying. I couldn't believe it. She'd come in and catch me balling into ice-cream and banana balls. Then at a quarter to five (way too late for us to get the £5.99 scran up) The Punchbowl Girl walks in looking all pretty punk rock. And when she sits down and says:

"Sorry I'm late, I suppose we could maybe get the £5.99 if we're quick."

I say:

"Take your time Punchbowl Girl I'm not cheap."

We started off on prawn toast and spare ribs and had a nice giggle watching all the other diners run for the till at five to five.

We had a nice romantic dinner for two for £7.99 a head. It was worth every penny. I'd have paid more.

She said ___________

I'm feeling so cool that I nearly bust my spine trying to do a back flip. Luckily I did it on the sofa or Battle Cat would have to do a Lassie right now. (Hot Baby Roy is away out with Hot Firey Love Lady).

                             I'm glad I didn't need this touchy feely mutt

The Punchbowl Girl said yes! I'm now taking her out on a hot date tomorrow to (unnamed venue)! Yeo! I took Battle Cat for a big long walk and told him all about it. He woofed away, I think he's happy for me.

It's a Tuesday Kid kinda day!

Trying To Get a Hot Date

So I took everyone's advice and put it together as best I could. I waited to give the punchbowl girl a cool message but she didn't come to work, so I sent her a text saying:

I think I messed up asking you out the first time round. I haven't met someone I've liked as much as you in a long while. Do you want to go for a meal with me on Thursday after work?

She didn't text back for hours and I sat at my desk thinking about nothing else. I'm sure I've ballsed up every call I've done today but if she says yes then won't matter.

I put my foot in my mouth again

The Punchbowl Girl was in work today (she wasn't in yesterday). She didn't sit beside me. She sat on the other side of the room. I thought I'd better have it out with her.

At break I asked her if I could have a word and me and her went out into the corridor.

"So is there something up?" I asked her.

She shrugged.

"It's just you've been acting distant since last week. What happened to us having sex and fun?"

"I never said we'd stopped it."

"Oh, so is everything okay with us?"

"What do you mean us? I thought you wanted my number so you could ask me out? But you didn't."

"Do you want to go to cheapo Tuesday's at the cinema this evening?"

"Forget it," she said walking away.

At the time I didn't know what I'd done but now reading it back as I type I realised I was an asshole. Anyone any good date suggestions in Belfast? I don't mind splashing the cash, especially because I think she thinks I think she's a cheap date.

Cowboys Vs Indians

Yesterday was my Fruitarian Brother's birthday party, and like those of you who read this will no I haven't really seen much of them this year (except Wino Jo - who I used to live with.)

He was in good form. He's off the drink now and he seems not to be telling people what to do or how to do it anymore. He asked how Hot Baby Roy was and when I told him that he was seeing Hot Firey Love Lady he laughed his ass off and said that he bet she was an ugly monster and that he knew Hot Baby Roy didn't stand a chance with the Raven Princess Spandex. I told him he didn't stand a chance with Princess Cheetara either, and that the Leotard Girls were annoying as fuck and do nothing but hold big milbag parties that spill out onto the street fighting.

He says that never bothered him because he has a wee rock and roll step that Foosted Wotsit Head showed him. I asked if he'd heard from Foosted Wotsit Head and he shrugged.

My metaller brother was in good form and just talking about work and the new Iron Maiden album. The Hot Shot Banker was missing because he's living in Switzerland now (lucky bastard) and the Fruitarian was there with all his hippy mates.

I bought him a baby apple tree that he can grow and get apples from when he's in a fruitarian mode.

Some of his hippy mates had guitars and they started playing lame hippy stuff that went:

"Bumble bee, don't sting me,
we are friends, make honey."

Repeat until you have forgotten what you were doing before the song started. I hated it but clapped politely. Then ran like fuck.

The Suicide Diaries - No 3.

I was so fucked off with not knowing what's up with The Punchbowl Girl that I asked Hot Baby Roy what was up with her. He's having a run of luck with women so he knows about shit like this. Or is supposed to but his best advice was make her a CD of slushy love songs and tell her that you want to win her heart. That or see if The Suicide Diaries have any good love poems in it and try to pass it off as your own.

Here's the best I could find. I'm not fucking using it though.

Being In Love

Like a rare butterfly or beautiful foreign coins
you make my tackle jingle when you touch my loins.

He wrote a few more lines but scribbled them out. I guess he thought they were worse.

Ho hum.

The Punchbowl Girl is like being totally weird

I've been in work now since nine o'clock. I asked The Punchbowl Girl if she wanted to go to my brother's birthday but she said that she had something on that day, something vague. I asked her if I could have her number because I wanted to send her a text when I was off but couldn't.

She looked a bit awkward and gave it to me. After I keyed it in she said that she had to go back to work and walked off to her desk. She was sitting between two other people so I couldn't even sit with her.

I've been trying to work out what's wrong and here's my options:

1) She reads my blog and doesn't appreciate all our red hot sex life being telegraphed to all the world.

2) She thinks it's a bit soon to be meeting my family. This one if fair enough because we haven't even went on a date yet or agreed we're a couple. We're only colleagues who shag.

3) Typical guy thoughts about girls that I won't put here because I think they're the most unlikely of the three and if 1) is true writing them here will cause no end of shit.

Any thoughts on what it could be? 

I Will Risk Shitting Myself for Love

It's my Fruitarian Brother's birthday this weekend. I'm thinking of having a dead cow dumped on his lawn just to let him know that I'm a meat man.

I've been off work for the past few days because I ate a dodgy kebab the other night and didn't want to risk shiteing myself with rotten diarrhoea in front of everyone especially not The Punchbowl Girl. I'm getting a bit sweet on her and it's not just the sex and it's not the grunge and it's not even that she wants to be the new Betty Blue. I don't know it all seems to come together in the right way.

So yeah, I don't want to shite myself in front of her, not yet anyway but I'm going into work tomorrow, if only to see her, just so I can ask her to The Fruitarian's birthday party. I'm downing a bottle of flat Coke in the morning just to make sure my pants stay clean.

DISCLAIMER: I have not shit myself but it has been close.

Belfast's First Snuff Movie

I've put up a new poll asking which job I should go for. I'm getting to that stage where if I want to be earning good money in a few years I need to be on track for it now otherwise I'm just going to be one of those grumpy bastards that never got what they wanted and makes it their job to see everyone else hates their job. I'd sooner go back on crack than do that. (I'm not planning to go back on crack by the way).

The Punchbowl Girl wasn't in work today and much as we've been banging away I don't even have her mobile number, a thing to rectify soon.

Yesterday after work I was walking up Shaftsbury Square when I bumped into Good King Thumpo. He was asking me where he could get a cheap camera. I asked him why and he said that he was looking to make his own snuff movies because he can't find decent snuff anywhere. He's tried St. George's Market, Nutts Corner, that place in the Smithfield. Fucking nowhere does it. He says he knows he can't be the only one who wants it so he's going to exploit a niche in the market that will save his balls and feed him and Ma Mutt when the tories cut his benefits. Posh bastards.

He says that he was thinking of kidnapping some of those wee indie fruits that hang around in Charlies Coffee Shop but he'd a better idea and now he'll try and get a foreigner because no one will miss them and that it's hard to prove snuff is actually snuff and not just mates dicking around, especially because he'll be laughing in the film so much. He says there was some zombie movie where the director killed people and got away with it in court because he'd killed foreigners. I think he's got the whole story arse about face but I can't remember the name of it. Anyways if I hear of him making it this could be the first and only time I'll shop someone to the cops.

                             Good King Thump Stars in - Snuff (like Speed but shit).

Wandering around the Lagan Meadows catching up on my thoughts

I spend my weekends recharging. It's not unusual to see me take off early on a Saturday morning with Battle Cat and a bottle of pink champaigne. I walk for hours, even in the heat. I'm burnt after the weekend, pure balls.

I thought about calling up The Punchbowl Girl but I just needed to recharge. I think I'm what they call an introvert. A few hours blethering away to Battle Cat makes me feel all gangsta again. I sometimes think he gets what I'm saying. Or at least he knows what some of the words mean in doggy speak.

                                      "Woof," said Battle Cat.

I told him all about the Punchbowl Girl and about Fabian Wildman. Battle Cat let a woof out of him. I think he missed Fabian after he moved out and he was glad to see him the other morning.

Fabian left while I was at work and didn't steal anything (I think he stole a big block of cheese but I'll not quibble about that). He sent me a text asking if I wanted to hang out down Nanny Boo Boo's. I haven't replied, and part of me thinks I should because if he's coming off crack then I feel like I should help him out.

He was saying stuff about Betty Blue but I don't think he's sorted out enough to be trying to get her back, not when she's long ago moved on and is with smooth talking Kissy Boy. She's going back to university soon anyway.

I think I need to move on too.

Work is Making me a Mutherfucker

I've been all stressed out because of work. Sex with The Punchbowl Girl helps out but I'd like to get back to when I have time off wandering about Belfast having fun and doing the odd bit of shoplifting.

I was talking to Hot Firey Love Lady when her and Hot Baby Roy were sitting downstairs indulging in some pre-pseudo-incest romance food (a nice meal on the sofa watching Jo get evicted from Big Brother to the rest of you).

She was saying that she liked her work and she was being all positive about the mutherfuckers on Big Brother (I haven't really been watching it but I like the graffiti dude). I think the difference in our points of view comes from work. I like drawing a wage but the difference between me and her is that she manages a cafe, so she has a bit of authority but more than that when people come into her cafe they're there to get something they want and generally have a nice time relaxing. When people call the call centre they're calling to scream mutherfucker at me (which they often do).

It's getting so that I think people are at heart wankers, she sees people as nice because when they come into her work they're nice.

Amazon war on society, is it nothing more than a feminist myth?

Fabian Wildman was awake when I came downstairs this morning. He said thanks for what I did yesterday. I told him it was nothing and he said he thought he was fucked. I asked him what he was doing there and will Zim Van Bindle send his amazon army after us. He said he didn't know anything about an amazon army. I told him that Zim Van Bindle was trying to get an amazon army together to bring about a sex war that will topple society.

Fabian Wildman said he hadn't heard of this but that it sounded like something that crack addled fool would think up. He said he hadn't seen any girls in the livingroom last night. Much less roid addled amazons.

I puzzled over it all morning on my way to work. I quickly forgot about it when The Punchbowl Girl took me into the Disabled Toilets and wasted £4.83 of the company's money.

I told her what happened and that it was actually an ex of Betty Blue's that I saved. Then this twinkle came into her eye and she said she wanted to know more about him. That was silly of me. I'll not mention him again in front of her.

Rescuing Fabian Wildman from the Amazon Porn Army

Nanny Boo Boo phoned me in a wile state earlier. It was horrible, she was saying she had a phonecall from Fabian Wildman and he was in a wile state, she thought he'd been smoking that horrible crack and he said he was chained to a radiator in the house of some guy called Vandle van Bundle.

"Do you mean Zim Van Bindle?" I asked.

"That's it," she sobbed down the phone.

There's nothing to spur you into action like an old woman crying. I forgot all about not being so keen on Fabian Wildman and his piss drinking ways anymore. I pulled on my coat and told Nanny Boo Boo I'd be back with a safe Fabian in no time.

I hoped on a bus (or two, maybe two) and in no time I was at Zim Van Bindle's house. I knocked on the door and when no one answered I braced myself to kick it down king kong kung-fu style. I was worried and thought that maybe a snarling horny Battle Cat could have won the day for me. I gave the door a final knock out of politeness and some sketchy man with black eyes answered the door. I pushed past him into the living room where Zim Van Bindle was sitting watch a DVD of Barb Wire surrounded by some she-ras.

"Where's Fabian Wildman?" I shouted.

"He's in the bathroom, he's going to test out the amazon warriors for me," Zim Van Bindle said. "I have to know that they can do this."

He pointed at the TV screen where this was happening:



"Fuck that," I said heading for the stairs.

"I went upstairs where Fabian Wildman was quivering below the sink with a load of other soon to be pulp guys. I did a macho thing and kicked the sink off the wall and screamed "Girl Power" the guys all ran off screaming.

Fabian Wildman and me escaped out of the window because we knew that the She-Ra's would destroy all the wimpy men running down the stairs. That plus Fabian Wildman owed Zim Van Bindle lots for weeks of crack he'd let him smoke.

Fabian is now sleeping on my couch. Hopefully he's learnt his lesson. I'm still not sure how I feel about everything but I'm glad that Zim Van Bindle's amazon army didn't fuck him up. Nanny Boo Boo was so pleased when I called her, she said that I should bring Battle Cat down for a big bowl of rotten sausages and me and Fabian Wildman down for wine.

Getting Paid for Having Fun

So the results of the poll are in. 68% of you voted for me to use my wee doggy to meet other sexy dog walkers. This is a good plan as the rest all involved some form of danger (potentially life threatening danger).

I was going to implement it this evening. I was even sitting at work thinking about what route me and Battle Cat could take when The Punchbowl Girl came up to me. She had Betty Blue's book on her and was talking all about how she couldn't wait to get started on it. It was gonna be so cool. She was going to go home and stick on some grunge and hit the books, or book.

I chatted with her a wee bit. I was thinking that I should start getting to know her and thinking about her as a person and not just someone I want to shag. When she said to me:

"Don't go back to work straight after break."

She told me to follow her and she led me into the disabled toilets where we humped like Puffing Billy.

We came back to work a whole twenty minutes late but I wasn't bothered about that. It was great to be getting paid for humping. A whole £1.94 (rounding up) but what happened was worth so much more.

Talking about Grunge with the Punchbowl Girl

So you probably want to know about what happened when me and The Punchbowl Girl went for drinks after work. It started off in Katy Daly's downing a few pints. The Punchbowl Girl wanted to go to the Ormeau Baths to look at some art and be like Betty Blue, she said that she is going to start reading books and that after Betty Blue finishes her book she'll borrow it from her.

I don't mean to make her sound as bad as all that because I'm picking up on the silly stuff she said because she talked for ages about how her big brother was into grunge and now he doesn't live at home she has all his grunge CDs, even though she put them all on her computer and doesn't touch them except to look at pictures of them all with their cool grunge hair and grunge clothes.

                                                   Grungers

I don't have grunge clothes (cardigans and ripped jeans) or cool grunge hair (long and greasy). I never talk about getting haircuts on here because I tend to just go in and ask for something that looks good, that or I used to bic it.

The Punchbowl Girl was talking away about some TV show she watches (an updated Sherlock Holmes - I haven't seen it) and I noticed her accent sounded a bit American.

"So did you used to live in the states?" I asked.

"No, I've lived in South Belfast all my life."

"So you watch a lot of American TV then?"

She stopped talking and her face went red. I didn't mean to put my foot in it but it was going to happen at some point. We went after that drink.

Ginger Incest

Hot Baby Roy and Hot Firey Love Lady were in the house last night. I was looking at them and thinking that they looked like brother and sister. That's how it is with ginger people. Their gingerness is such a key factor in who they are. It was like watching the start of a bad incest porn movie.

                                                  Incest is best

We were being nice and friendly but I felt like I was only there to hold the legs so I took Battle Cat for a walk and let them get down to some weird sex. I tried to get Hot Firey Love Lady's address out of her but she knew why I wanted it.

She said that violence was no way to sort out anything even a prick like Mother of Bowling Ball. Hot Baby Roy kept silent because I know he's said to her that he doesn't want violent revenge but a check of google searches on my laptop show that when he's here by himself he tries to find VIOLENT KUNG FU CLUBS BELFAST and suchlike.

She's not Dead but she is Punk Rock

She's okay. The Punchbowl Girl is in work and I've just had a chat with her all about how I remembered her now from that party last year and how was she doing. She said she was good and that she had been having a bad day that day. She was talking about how cool Betty Blue was and I was glad Betty Blue couldn't hear her because she was really gushing. Then she said that after work today she was going to get drunk because it was the weekend. I told her that tomorrow was Friday and that was the start of the weekend.

"Not if you're taking friday off," she shrugged.

She has a point. I hope she's not one of those people who never had the balls to mooch off school and she's going to fuck her adult life up by trying to make up for how badass she wasn't at school.

I asked her if she still liked grunge bands and she said yes, she was Punk Rock! Indie was shite. Then she started singing some cool grunge song a bit loudly in the canteen in a way that made me think she wanted people to hear it and deem her cool but the looks on their faces said otherwise. Fuck them. I'm punk rock too!

Help Me I'm Turning Into a DIck

I'm doing that thing that guys who haven't had a shag in ages do. And I haven't had a shag in ages. I look at every girl as a potential ride. I'm not so bad that I'm giving them numbers out of ten but still.

I saw Nanny Boo Boo last night (no I'm not thinking of shagging her) and she was telling me that she's been reading my blog and she knows that I fancy Fabian Wildman's ex-girlfriend and that she hasn't said anything about it but she thinks it could cause a problem between us. I told her that there already was a big problem between us and that Fabian Wildman smelt of piss and had no chance of getting her back.

She said that Fabian was drinking his piss to try to calm his jitters when he was giving up crack and that so far it hadn't worked but him and her were hopeful.

                                   A better use for a bottle of piss

I told her that Betty Blue was seeing some other guy in the office and that I was a bit jealous to start but they seem to be a bit loved up and that there was this other girl I might have a blossoming romance with. And she asked if it was the wee girl who was going to top herself and I said that wasn't a given and that maybe with my stud loving she'd give that idea up completely and get in my bed.

Nanny Boo Boo said she liked to hear me talking like that because she thought I should be out shagging lots of girls. She says that My Protege has himself a girlfriend now and I'm so jealous because he's obviously been using the street skillz I taught him and it seems to work for him but it hasn't for me.

The Punchbowl Girl hasn't been back at work for a few days and I'm starting to worry I've missed an opportunity for sex. We'll see.

The Suicide Diaries - No 2

I went to work today hoping to see The Punchbowl Girl (I'm not calling her The Suicide Girl - nfw) but she wasn't there. I hope she's okay. I think she's okay. I can't remember much from that party where I met her because I was pretty wasted but I remember we hung out and talked about Pearl Jam and how cool they were (I don't really know their stuff but I've told bigger lies).

I came home and thought I might find some wise words for her in The Suicide Diaries that or I wanted a laugh. I found the following, an attempt at a political rap I think:

Talking deep stuff with the gang
everyone thinks their own thang
Someone thinks one thing I think the other
it's okay we learn from each other

People play some music
I sing some lines
everyone digs it
I feel so fine

When spides hit the street
cops stop the beat
a spide grabs a rock
throws it at the cop

A riot starts
but we keep our cool
both the spide and the cop
look so uncool.

He's now singing this shit to cows. His dad will kick him off the farm if he catches him.

I'm sick of being on my own. I want to get love. I've a few ideas how I might get it but I'm not sure. I've a poll on the side of the page. Vote and let me know all about how to find love.

The Girl at the Punchbowl

So there I was on the street just keepin it real and listening to some hardcore gangsta on my walkman (psyche: ipod mutherfucker). It wasn't working, the act not the ipod. I was trying not to give a fuck because in some ways it feels like everything was a bit easier when I was smoking crack and not giving a fuck about anything but then I was thinking about looking after Battle Cat and My Protege and I realised who the girl from work talking about her birthday was and much as I like helping people out I don't know if I ready for it again if she needs help with something.

I remember being at the Cliffs of Moher a few years ago and right at the cliff edge is a sign (a calming green one) saying: There are other options. And the number for The Samaritans below it.

I remember thinking was that really going to stop someone who wanted to kill themselves. I hope so. I think that's quite a hard topic to approach. I hope she's changed her mind about killing herself. I remember knowing people when I was a teenager who talked about killing themselves. They're all still here. I'm not saying they were just going through a phase what I'm saying is that things changed for them and they must have thought there were things worth sticking around for, even if other things were still going shit for them.

The song on my ipod turned to Tupac Shakur and I thought, there's a man who didn't want to die and he was gunned down. Then I remember thinking that maybe Tupac wasn't dead.