Wino Jo threw another fit last night and told me that he was going to stab Hot Baby Roy if he brought another filthy video into the house.
I told him that they were DVDs and he smashed a cup. He threw it against the window but we have double glazing so it didn't break it.
He told me that he needed to show Hot Baby Roy and me about decency and how to live our lives.
I started thinking about how he lived with my metaller brother with all his heavy metal about sex and killing and occult stuff. Wino Jo says my metaller brother toes the line.
I rang my metaller brother and he told me he kicked Wino Jo out to fuck after he melted a Rage Against The Machine CD on him and wished me luck with the weird fucker.
I told him I couldn't be arsed and warned Hot Baby Roy that he might get stabbed. I'm going to beat Wino Jo up in his sleep tonight and give him nightmares to make him move out. Hope it works. Wish me luck.
Showing posts with label knife. Show all posts
Showing posts with label knife. Show all posts
Friday, 18 December 2009
Wednesday, 25 February 2009
Pancake Day
I woke up this morning in a leotard. I cried for hours. How could that rotten bastard have done this to me in my sleep. My knife was still there so I suppose he could have done worse, besides once I got over the affront of it all it was quite comfortable.
"Nobody spark up a fag!" I heard Fabian shout from downstairs.
I ran down to find him opening the windows.
"We left the gas on last night," he said.
Then he said he saw I was still wearing my leotard. I told him someone put it on me in the middle of the night. He told me I put it on before I went to the 24 hour garage. I told him that was balls and that I'd remember that. He said that I might have put some clothes on over it but that I was definitely wearing it. I told him there was someone hiding in the roofspace. He told me he used to sleep in people's roofspaces. He once got locked in for a few days, and that there were all these weird sex dungeon devices and costumes, that's where he got his zentai. He was glad to see that I was into spandex fetishwear because he always worried that he was creeping me out when he did it. He said it was a far superior fabric to leather unless you're wanting to roll down the motorway at 70mph on your hands and knees (which he didn't).
Anyway I went and got dressed and once we were sure it was safe to turn the cooker on we had some scrumptious pancakes. Oh yeah, we rock.
"Nobody spark up a fag!" I heard Fabian shout from downstairs.
I ran down to find him opening the windows.
"We left the gas on last night," he said.
Then he said he saw I was still wearing my leotard. I told him someone put it on me in the middle of the night. He told me I put it on before I went to the 24 hour garage. I told him that was balls and that I'd remember that. He said that I might have put some clothes on over it but that I was definitely wearing it. I told him there was someone hiding in the roofspace. He told me he used to sleep in people's roofspaces. He once got locked in for a few days, and that there were all these weird sex dungeon devices and costumes, that's where he got his zentai. He was glad to see that I was into spandex fetishwear because he always worried that he was creeping me out when he did it. He said it was a far superior fabric to leather unless you're wanting to roll down the motorway at 70mph on your hands and knees (which he didn't).
Anyway I went and got dressed and once we were sure it was safe to turn the cooker on we had some scrumptious pancakes. Oh yeah, we rock.
Friday, 20 February 2009
Bows and Arrows, and Felt-tip Pens
Today I woke up to find Fabian Wildman out in the garden talking to Battle Cat. He'd his knife out and was using it to sharpen a long stick. I wasn't pleased about him being round Battle Cat with his knife but I was more interested in what the fuck was doing.
"I'm sharpening arrows to shoot the milk thief in the ass," he said.
"What milk thief?" I asked.
"Every morning I wake up to get my milk from the door step and it's not there, so I'm going to stay awake tonight and wait for the thief, then I'm going to shoot him in the ass with my bow and arrow."
"Fabian Wildman, we don't get milk delivered to us, that's why there's no milk."
"No, at the start of the year this big wonky fucker who looked like Sammy Wilson came round the house when you were out. I asked him if he was a milk man and he said yes, so I gives him a hundred pounds and says, that's for milk, call again when it runs out. We haven't had milk yet."
"Have you been smoking crack again?" I asked him.
He shook his head but then I noticed he had big blue nostrils.
"Have you been sniffing filt tips?"
He nods and giggles at this.
"I gave up crack," he said. "Not everything, so what if I want to relax with a sharpie from time to time. I don't trust a man who don't get wasted; they're never big in the mouth."
I took Battle Cat inside, even though I don't think Fabian would do anything to harm him, off his face or otherwise, I just don't want him to see Fabian when he starts digging a hole in the ground to fuck.
"I'm sharpening arrows to shoot the milk thief in the ass," he said.
"What milk thief?" I asked.
"Every morning I wake up to get my milk from the door step and it's not there, so I'm going to stay awake tonight and wait for the thief, then I'm going to shoot him in the ass with my bow and arrow."
"Fabian Wildman, we don't get milk delivered to us, that's why there's no milk."
"No, at the start of the year this big wonky fucker who looked like Sammy Wilson came round the house when you were out. I asked him if he was a milk man and he said yes, so I gives him a hundred pounds and says, that's for milk, call again when it runs out. We haven't had milk yet."
"Have you been smoking crack again?" I asked him.
He shook his head but then I noticed he had big blue nostrils.
"Have you been sniffing filt tips?"
He nods and giggles at this.
"I gave up crack," he said. "Not everything, so what if I want to relax with a sharpie from time to time. I don't trust a man who don't get wasted; they're never big in the mouth."
I took Battle Cat inside, even though I don't think Fabian would do anything to harm him, off his face or otherwise, I just don't want him to see Fabian when he starts digging a hole in the ground to fuck.
Wednesday, 21 January 2009
Nominated - Yeow!
I've just found out I'm nominated for the Irish Blog Awards. Thanks to any of you who voted for me. Nice to see some of my buddies in my sidebar nominated too.
I wonder if this could tip things my way a bit with Hooka? Fabian Wildman's well chuffed for me. When I told him about it he says he found out about it ages ago and logs on from time to time in an internet cafe. He says he likes it when he gets a mention, he didn't even mind when I called him a retard for saying he'd stab Ron Weasley.
I wonder if this could tip things my way a bit with Hooka? Fabian Wildman's well chuffed for me. When I told him about it he says he found out about it ages ago and logs on from time to time in an internet cafe. He says he likes it when he gets a mention, he didn't even mind when I called him a retard for saying he'd stab Ron Weasley.
Friday, 2 January 2009
The Coolest Crackhead in Belfast
Hooka and Fat Rab went on holiday today. I don't know how since both of them are on the dole. Anyways, Hooka came round to ask if I'd look after Gobbolino. I said yes, like the sappy bastard I am.
Anyways I thought I'd let Gobbolino and Battle Cat play but I had to watch them because Gobbolino is still very tiny, and he could fit easily in Battle Cat's mouth, but Battle Cat was nice and they had lots of fun.
Fabian has started being twitchy and it's starting to do my nut. He gave me his knife to look after at the start of the week but that hasn't stopped him being a scary bastard. I watched him this morning have a conversation with himself in the mirror about how he was the coolest. He went on to list all the things that made him the coolest including rollerblading and shoplifting. I didn't know he rollerbladed. It kind of explains his love of spandex.
I got so stressed out about looking after him and the animals and the thought of Hooka and Fat Rab in some fancy hotel together (probably more like some shit B and B in Portrush) that I went and pissed through their letter box. That'll be nice for them to come back to.
I went in the house and told Fabian Wildman about it and he says milk would have been better because it smells worse than piss after it soaks in.
I went round later and poured a bottle of milk in. Fuck them.
Anyways I thought I'd let Gobbolino and Battle Cat play but I had to watch them because Gobbolino is still very tiny, and he could fit easily in Battle Cat's mouth, but Battle Cat was nice and they had lots of fun.
Fabian has started being twitchy and it's starting to do my nut. He gave me his knife to look after at the start of the week but that hasn't stopped him being a scary bastard. I watched him this morning have a conversation with himself in the mirror about how he was the coolest. He went on to list all the things that made him the coolest including rollerblading and shoplifting. I didn't know he rollerbladed. It kind of explains his love of spandex.
I got so stressed out about looking after him and the animals and the thought of Hooka and Fat Rab in some fancy hotel together (probably more like some shit B and B in Portrush) that I went and pissed through their letter box. That'll be nice for them to come back to.
I went in the house and told Fabian Wildman about it and he says milk would have been better because it smells worse than piss after it soaks in.
I went round later and poured a bottle of milk in. Fuck them.
Sunday, 7 December 2008
Hot Baby Roy called round again today. I was surprised to see him standing at the door wearing a pair of jeans and a bomber jacket. He also didn't have the afro. His real hair is ginger though so it was nice that something was still the same about him.
Fabian Wildman wasn't in but I invited Hot Baby Roy in for a smoke anyway.
We talked about stuff for a bit and I was a bit thrown that he wasn't going over any of his 'hot baby' stuff from yesterday.
"What happened your hair?" I asked him.
"What? Oh the afro? that was just a wig," he giggled. "I was going to a fancy dress party."
Of course he was. How stupid I was to think those were his real clothes? This is a sure sign that I should get off crack.
Hot Baby Roy left after a while and a few hours later Fabian Wildman came back. I told him that Hot Baby Roy called. He didn't seem too upset, but maybe that's because he'd nabbed an old record called Japanese Boy. It sounded weird and a wee bit more recent than he usually plays but he said it's a great song for when he's feeling intense. He played it and played it and I kept getting mental images of him when he's got no crack listening to it and dancing around the room in his zentai with his knife. It was weirding me out so I went to bed. I kept trying to work out if the song was a wee bit racist or not but that was weirding me out even more so I tried to sleep through the sound of it coming from the living room below.
Aneka - Japanese Boy
Fabian Wildman wasn't in but I invited Hot Baby Roy in for a smoke anyway.
We talked about stuff for a bit and I was a bit thrown that he wasn't going over any of his 'hot baby' stuff from yesterday.
"What happened your hair?" I asked him.
"What? Oh the afro? that was just a wig," he giggled. "I was going to a fancy dress party."
Of course he was. How stupid I was to think those were his real clothes? This is a sure sign that I should get off crack.
Hot Baby Roy left after a while and a few hours later Fabian Wildman came back. I told him that Hot Baby Roy called. He didn't seem too upset, but maybe that's because he'd nabbed an old record called Japanese Boy. It sounded weird and a wee bit more recent than he usually plays but he said it's a great song for when he's feeling intense. He played it and played it and I kept getting mental images of him when he's got no crack listening to it and dancing around the room in his zentai with his knife. It was weirding me out so I went to bed. I kept trying to work out if the song was a wee bit racist or not but that was weirding me out even more so I tried to sleep through the sound of it coming from the living room below.
Aneka - Japanese Boy
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