Wino Jo Needs To Go!

Wino Jo threw another fit last night and told me that he was going to stab Hot Baby Roy if he brought another filthy video into the house.

I told him that they were DVDs and he smashed a cup. He threw it against the window but we have double glazing so it didn't break it.

He told me that he needed to show Hot Baby Roy and me about decency and how to live our lives.

I started thinking about how he lived with my metaller brother with all his heavy metal about sex and killing and occult stuff. Wino Jo says my metaller brother toes the line.

I rang my metaller brother and he told me he kicked Wino Jo out to fuck after he melted a Rage Against The Machine CD on him and wished me luck with the weird fucker.

I told him I couldn't be arsed and warned Hot Baby Roy that he might get stabbed. I'm going to beat Wino Jo up in his sleep tonight and give him nightmares to make him move out. Hope it works. Wish me luck.

In the wee small hours.

I haven't been sleeping so well and neither's Fabian Wildman, I got up at 3 last night after only a few hours sleep to find him sitting in the livingroom in a deep trance. I asked him what was wrong and he asked me what was wrong.

He kept repeating everything I said until I rushed out of the room and came back with a baseball bat. He started shouting that he had just been playing a trick.

I told him not to be playing tricks like that because they gave me the diarrhoea.

After we listened to the shipping news me and Fabian decided that since we couldn't sleep we'd sit and spoon coffee into us just to get all jittery. After an hour of scranning coffee we heard a knock at the door and went to answer it, armed with baseball bats.

No one was outside apart from a fat man in a leotard asking where Fabian was. I told him Fabian had died of the influenza during the war. He told me that he was here to pay his respects. He barged in before we could tell him to fuck off. He sat in the living room while Fabian made him cup after cup of coffee. He didn't say anything he just cried for a long time. He had a cake with him which he ate all to himself and never offered us a piece. I didn't want any in case it was poisoned with the deadly mistletoe. Then he said to Fabian that he knew him when he had a different face, and that if another man had to love his wife he was glad it was him. He knew Fabian's love was pure, unlike some other people who just wanted to plough his earth and make him eat the worms. He went to the toilet and didn't come back down. We searched upstairs for him but he was no where to be seen. I hope he isn't hiding in the roofspace. Incase he was I took a carving knife to bed with me. I hope I don't roll over in the middle of the night and stab myself in the guts with it.

1 Day Off Crack

I couldn't sleep last night, I think I managed to drift off for twenty minutes here and there but nothing like proper sleep. Anyways I heard Fabian Wildman take Battle Cat for a walk and when he came back he called me down to the kitchen.

"Okay so It's been 24 hours since your last smoke of crack," he said. "So me and Battle Cat have got you a cake for your one day anniversary."

"Thanks," I said, I was a bit overwhelmed because I really wasn't expecting this.

"You see when you've done a week we'll have another, then every month, then so on. You know."

"Aw I already owe you a day, week and month one," I said.

"Never worry," he said. "Let's eat cake."

"Woof!" said Battle Cat.

We were tucking into some cream cake when there was a knock on the door.

Fabian went to answer it. I heard him talking to Fat Rab and Hooka. They sounded angry. They were shouting about the police.

Fabian invited them in.

"There's some people here to see you," he said.

"That wee indie wanker across the street videoed you on his mobile not only pouring milk through our door, but pissing in it too."

I shrugged.

"You'd need to do better than that," Fat Rab said. "Unless you want to wake up some night to some of our occult mates kicking your door in."

"Tuesday Kid here is celebrating giving up crack," Fabian Wildman said. "He did a lot of stuff on crack that he can't remember, so if he can't remember it, everyone else should forget it."

I looked at Hooka but there was nothing soft in the way she looked at me.

"We're going to the fucking police," Fat Rab said all smug. "Then we'll set the lads on you."

"Fine, we'll stab the pair of you," Fabian said.

Hooka gave a wee sound like she was scared, and Fat Rab tried to look like he wasn't scared but it was obvious he hadn't expected Fabian's answer.

"It's okay," Fabian said. "We won't kill you. But we'll stab some of your satanist mates too, especially the Death Owl. I know none of you dicks can fight for fuck."

Fat Rab and Hooka just stood there looking stunned.

"Right now if you've said your piece, fuck off," Fabian said motioning at the door.

"We're gonna party down, they can go fuck themselves," he said taking a bit mouthful of cake.