I got a call from my metaller brother today. He wants me to come to an intervention for my fruitarian brother. It really sucks because on the one hand I have to help out family but on the other I'm a little annoyed that they never held one for me when I was smoking crack all the time.

My fruitarian brother is a worry: he weighs under ten stone, and he's six foot two. None of us visit him hardly because he barely ever wears clothes. He doesn't shave or cut his hair and he looks like Jungle Barry. He just wanders about his garden hoping that pears will fall off his pear tree. It's so sad. I sometimes bring him a bag of bananas because I know he needs his potassium K. He eyes them suspiciously but I know he eats them when I go home.

The thing is I'd just like to see him get on with his life. If he even had a fruitarian girlfriend or even another type of fruit tree he might have a bit more variety in his life.

This thing is tomorrow and I know it's going to be long and awkward, having to listen to all his arguments about nature and the like, and then counter them with facts about his emaciated form.

Wish me luck.