The Death Owl showed up at my door today with some wee guy in a bowler hat. They asked if they could come inside. I told them to stay where they were. The wee dude explained that he was from a local occult organisation and that it would be easier on everyone if I were to let them inside.

I invited them in and offered them a cup of tea. Both refused.

The wee guy explained that himself and other members of his order were unhappy with my "relations" (as he put it) with another member of the order's lady friend.

I told him that this was nothing to do with him or anyone in his order. He stood up and started acting all weird.

"Master! Master! Please let me reason with him master! MASTER!" he screamed.

The Death Owl looked all excited and kept giving me this wanky look like he was saying - "You're going to get it now."

I ran out into the hall and they followed me.

"Smite him!" the Death Owl kept shouting.

I went into my broom cupboard and came out with a baseball bat.

The wee guy dropped the act the minute he saw the baseball bat, but the bat dropped him a second later. The Death Owl started twatting about like he was doing an incantation but I dropped him too.

I battered them into a bloody mess and threw them out onto the street in a bloody heap. Then I had to go and pick up their teeth with my hands and scrub their blood off my walls and carpet.

A few hours later a big horned daemon showed up at my door. I instantly recognised him as Balkazaler. I invited him in for a cup of tea and he asked me nicely not to hit the Death Owl and Mister Ponti (the wee dude). I said okay but tell them not to be coming back round my house threatening me. Balkazaler said okay and left. It was nice to see him again. I haven't seen him since back when I started doing crack (which I'm back on by the way).