When Your Girlfriend Meets Your "Friends" for The First Time

The Punchbowl Girl met Hot Baby Roy last night, and he couldn't have been better. No embarrassing stories, no mentions of suspect teenage films that he wanted us to watch. No, instead he talked about how him and Hot Firey Love Lady had went to Burbon a few nights ago and how he recommends we go there. Then when The Punchbowl Girl asked him where he worked instead of talking about how he hasn't worked in years he said that he's between things but has a job interview for managing a store later in the week and that he's very hopeful.

He told me on the sly that he's made up his entire work history and that Hot Firey Love Lady is down as a reference and she'll lie for him no sweat.

Then he went to meet Hot Firey Love Lady.

Not every meeting with people I know has went so smoothly. We bumped into Good King Thumpo earlier and he was foaming at the mouth about how he couldn't wait to go tomorrow to make his snuff movie. He'd found some guys out in the countryside through Gumtree and that they were all set to make immigrant snuff with him.

He ran off home saying he was going to have a practice on the punchbag and sharpen his saw up.

I hope something goes wrong.

Fabian Has Enough

I came into the living room this morning to find Fabian Wildman on the phone. The calls went something like this:

"I'd like to view the room in ___________"
(mutter)
"When can I view it?"
(mutter)
"I'm not working at the minute, I need housing benefit."
(mutter)
"It didn't say you don't take it in your fucking advert you fucking cock."

Then he'd slam the phone down, shake his head and say "ballbags".

Poor Fabian, I know it's stressing him out that he can't find anywhere.

He's been telling me all about the overpriced shitholes he's been to see. He says they're all owned by ballbags, half the places haven't been cleaned and most of them are rotten with damp.

Sort it out ballbag landlords. Fabian needs a new place to live (but I don't want to see him go).

Fabian Can't Find a House

Fabian Wildman might not be moving out so soon. He says that him and Betty Blue have been out seeing houses and everywhere looks like a Who's Who of lonely Belfast. He's had people half skip screaming round the house with him about how much fun it's going to be when Fabian Wildman moves in with them and when he does they can go to the pub! (like it was the only one - and they'd never been).

That and the money being charged for shared accomodation is fucking ridiculous. £220 for some grotty wee shithole with rust on the walls and piss stains in the carpet. He says it was down on gumtree, daft, homefinder or whenever as "luxury", just because it had some shit hippy rug on the floor from the Oxfam beside Fresh Garbage.

He saw one place he nearly took but then he heard the guy in the next room have a wank, clear as anything, the wall was like a glorified shower curtain. He just said "no fucking way," there and then. The landlord told him it was a good price, Fabian told him he was a theiving bastard and left.

Fabian Opens Up Doors for my Heart

Me and Fabian Wildman were talking about him moving out over the past few days and much as I think he's in the clear he says that he's heard knocks at the door when I've been out and he didn't answer because he didn't want hauled off to jail. He has every intention of staying free just like Braveheart.

We went on Daft and Gumtree and we've viewings lined up this week for Florencville Avenue, Dunluce Avenue, Camden St, Candahar St and Cairo St.

Fabian Wildman wants me to come and view the houses with him. I'm looking forward to it. I hope he moves in with a sexy girl. Cos he's with Betty Blue and I can call round and if he's not there I'll say I'll hang about til he gets home then I'll letch on her and we'll fall in love.

Speaking of Betty Blue he's got her a voucher for a sexy spa where he says they'll sort her bush out. Two birds with one stone he keeps saying. He's very methodical when he's off the crack.

Battle Cat is Home!!!!!

So I got a wee email this morning from some woman out Stranmillis. I was so excited I nearly pished myself. The title said "I Think I Have Your Dog".

She lived out near the Lagan Meadows and said Battle Cat wondered into her garden last Sunday night and she's had him all week. She said all these lovely things about him in her email and it seems he's been on his best behaviour. Good boy!

She said she saw my gumtree ad. so a big thank you to gumtree for providing such a useful service.

Me and Fabian Wildman were going to go round but he's looking a bit weird because he's been smoking a bit too much crack and not sleeping recently. I didn't want to scare the woman so I just went myself.

It struck me just as I reached the house that maybe it wasn't Battle Cat but some other mutt and I had to pause a wee minute and gather my thoughts. Then I rapt on the door.

This wee old lady, who must have been about seventy came to the door and invited me in. She'd these big glasses which looked like she'd tapped two magnifying glasses together.

She took me through the house out into her garden and there he was, my wee puppy dog all wagging his tail and happy to see me. He jumped up on me and she's been feeding him well because he nearly knocked me flying. I was so happy to see him I started talking to him in that half baby speak that I only do when other people aren't around.

She gave me a cup of tea and some really nice lemon buns with white icing that she said she'd made herself. I offered her some money for all the food she's given Battle Cat but she says she didn't want anything. She said she liked having him and that he'd been good company for her.

I told her I was throwing a party tonight at mine for all the people who helped look for Battle Cat and would she like to come as guest of honour? She said that would be great that she hasn't been to a good party in ages.

So that's it settled. I took Battle Cat home with me, blabbing away to him all the way up the road. Fabian Wildman was nearly in tears when he saw him. It was dead sweet.

So now we've got to prepare for the party. I just realised that Nanny Boo Boo (the oul lady's name) might get a bit freaked out hanging with all the sweaty metallers and Fabian Wildman and his crack pipe, he said he'd have a good smoke before anyone came round and that would do him til they went home. I wish he'd stop it all together but for now I'm just glad to have my puppy back!

No Job and No Dog

I just found out I didn't get the job, and there's no sign of Battle Cat. I've ran out of places to look, all I can do now is just call the dog warden and repost my gumtree ad.

Fuck this!