Last night I wanted to have a word with Hot Baby Roy about us not doing crack anymore but he was all happy about hitting Rock and Roll Stephen. I didn't want to spoil it but then he was talking about getting a nice bit of crack for us to celebrate with.
"Why did you nut him in the face?" I asked.
"He was threatening me with muscle," Hot Baby Roy said.
"Yeah but he doesn't know muscle. And if you'd arrived earlier you'd have heard that he's not getting anywhere with The Raven Princess Spandex either."
"A load of balls, Rock and Roll Stephen is the sort of guy who always gets girls. I'm the sort of guy that girls always say 'I like you as a friend' then they sit and bitch to me when the guys they do like fuck them over, fuck that. I didn't just nut him for what he said. I nutted him for who he is, and who I've had to be all these years."
He sounded like he was getting all hysterical and I told him that I'd go round and speak to her in the morning because it sounds like she's leading the pair of them on. It's not on.
Showing posts with label headbutt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label headbutt. Show all posts
Sunday, 2 May 2010
Saturday, 1 May 2010
No Romance For Anyone
Balkazaler didn't show last night, so I sat there cracked off my face giggling and feeling all happy when the door went. Here we go, I thought to myself getting ready to ask all these important questions but when I answered the door it was Rock and Roll Stephen looking for Hot Baby Roy.
"He's not in," I said. "No offence but I'm expecting someone."
Rock and Roll Stephen blustered on in all wet round the eyes.
"Tell him to stay away from The Raven Princess Spandex, he's ruining my chances. I've a strategy all worked out but she says she doesn't want to hurt Hot Baby Roy. He should go and get himself a troll or some rough thing more his league."
"That's not fair," I said. "Hot Baby Roy can make moves if he wants to, you just need to up your game, if she means that much to you."
He kind of stood there and shrugged and didn't really have an answer.
"She doesn't, okay?" he said eventually, "but Hot Baby Roy has no chance, he's just trying to spoil mine."
Battle Cat started growing at him. He's became good mates with Hot Baby Roy recently.
"She thinks of him as some sort of androgynus BFF," he said.
"No offence like but coming from someone who perms his hair and wears his mum's clothes you're hardly Butch Rambo yourself."
He jumped up and down on the spot and started shouting.
"Just tell him to stay away, he'll regret it. I know muscle."
Just then Hot Baby Roy appeared in the doorway, Rock and Roll Stephen turned to catch his eye all too late as Hot Baby Roy headbutted him in the face and he collapsed screaming. Battle Cat strolled casually over to him and pissed on him. Then Rock and Roll Stephen crawled weeping out of the house.
"He's not in," I said. "No offence but I'm expecting someone."
Rock and Roll Stephen blustered on in all wet round the eyes.
"Tell him to stay away from The Raven Princess Spandex, he's ruining my chances. I've a strategy all worked out but she says she doesn't want to hurt Hot Baby Roy. He should go and get himself a troll or some rough thing more his league."
"That's not fair," I said. "Hot Baby Roy can make moves if he wants to, you just need to up your game, if she means that much to you."
He kind of stood there and shrugged and didn't really have an answer.
"She doesn't, okay?" he said eventually, "but Hot Baby Roy has no chance, he's just trying to spoil mine."
Battle Cat started growing at him. He's became good mates with Hot Baby Roy recently.
"She thinks of him as some sort of androgynus BFF," he said.
"No offence like but coming from someone who perms his hair and wears his mum's clothes you're hardly Butch Rambo yourself."
He jumped up and down on the spot and started shouting.
"Just tell him to stay away, he'll regret it. I know muscle."
Just then Hot Baby Roy appeared in the doorway, Rock and Roll Stephen turned to catch his eye all too late as Hot Baby Roy headbutted him in the face and he collapsed screaming. Battle Cat strolled casually over to him and pissed on him. Then Rock and Roll Stephen crawled weeping out of the house.
Wednesday, 24 February 2010
Hot Leotard Porn Scenario Number 1
I arrived round at the Leotard Girls house yesterday with my tool box and full of excitement at the prospect of hot leotard girl sex.
Unfortunately they pointed me in the direction of their fridge which was making this fucked up clicking sound from the back. Apparently there had been a party last weekend where it got knocked over and it hasn't been right since.
I was well out of my depth but pretended to fiddle around with it and check stuff. After about half an hour I told them that they should contact their landlord because it was his responsibility.
"But what about the parties?" shouted Princess Cheetara. "We have parties here all the time, we don't want him to know."
"Lie," I said.
I was a bit fucked off at not being invited to their cool parties, even if they were attended by headbutting dickheads. This isn't fair. I would have burst into tears if it wasn't that they started talking all frantic about Cheryl Cole and Ashely Cole splitting up, they would have thought I was crying about that.
"I think my heart is broken," I said fighting to keep the tears in.
Then I realised they thought I was talking about Cheryl and Ashley too, so I let the tears flow freely.
In the end I picked up my toolbox and sulked out of there without even so much as a cup of tea or peck on the cheek.
Unfortunately they pointed me in the direction of their fridge which was making this fucked up clicking sound from the back. Apparently there had been a party last weekend where it got knocked over and it hasn't been right since.
I was well out of my depth but pretended to fiddle around with it and check stuff. After about half an hour I told them that they should contact their landlord because it was his responsibility.
"But what about the parties?" shouted Princess Cheetara. "We have parties here all the time, we don't want him to know."
"Lie," I said.
I was a bit fucked off at not being invited to their cool parties, even if they were attended by headbutting dickheads. This isn't fair. I would have burst into tears if it wasn't that they started talking all frantic about Cheryl Cole and Ashely Cole splitting up, they would have thought I was crying about that.
"I think my heart is broken," I said fighting to keep the tears in.
Then I realised they thought I was talking about Cheryl and Ashley too, so I let the tears flow freely.
In the end I picked up my toolbox and sulked out of there without even so much as a cup of tea or peck on the cheek.
Tuesday, 23 February 2010
First Day Out On The Town
It was nice to get off the sofa and out of the house today. I walked down to Victoria Square and milled about for a while slurping on a big Cafe Mocha in Costa, they do the nicest coffee in Belfast.
I'd hoped that I might sniff some residue of Lady GaGa having been here yesterday but everywhere I looked for her trace was a dead end.
I sniffed the breeze hoping to pick up her scent but in the end I left with empty hands.
Coming home I met Princess Cheetara from the Leotard Girls at the bottom of the street and walked home with her. She said that she'd seen the wee fellah (Rock and Roll Stephen) who was nutted by Napper and he had a big gummy mouth and even though it was funny she felt bad for him because he wasn't a bad looking wee fellah before.
She said that her and the Raven Princess Spandex were having trouble with their fridge and they needed someone to come and have a look at it. I told them I used to fix fridges, which is a complete lie but I was getting horny walking up the road with her and this sounded like a start to my own private porn scenario. I'm going round later and I hope to fuck it is.
Cross your fingers for me.
I'd hoped that I might sniff some residue of Lady GaGa having been here yesterday but everywhere I looked for her trace was a dead end.
I sniffed the breeze hoping to pick up her scent but in the end I left with empty hands.
Coming home I met Princess Cheetara from the Leotard Girls at the bottom of the street and walked home with her. She said that she'd seen the wee fellah (Rock and Roll Stephen) who was nutted by Napper and he had a big gummy mouth and even though it was funny she felt bad for him because he wasn't a bad looking wee fellah before.
She said that her and the Raven Princess Spandex were having trouble with their fridge and they needed someone to come and have a look at it. I told them I used to fix fridges, which is a complete lie but I was getting horny walking up the road with her and this sounded like a start to my own private porn scenario. I'm going round later and I hope to fuck it is.
Cross your fingers for me.
Sunday, 21 February 2010
Sitting Sick on the Sofa
Sitting on the sofa with a big violent dog and a television allows you to take a different perspective on things than you normally do.
Today I observed:
T4 tends to pair white boys with ethnic girls for its presenting teams (I'm sure it's just been one big coincidence).
Stacy Slater killed Archie (shock horror!? Who the fuck was Archie?! I haven't watched Eastenders in years) and she makes Battle Cat try to hump the sofa.
The Canadian Bob Sleigh team had a nasty topple at high speed and headbutt the wall incident that they walked away from unharmed.
Curling is a sport for millies and their mothers (judging by the GB team), and for people who want to say "I brush ice for a living."
Early repeats of Friends remind us that 90s fashion only seemed okay because it came after the 80s.
Today I observed:
T4 tends to pair white boys with ethnic girls for its presenting teams (I'm sure it's just been one big coincidence).
Stacy Slater killed Archie (shock horror!? Who the fuck was Archie?! I haven't watched Eastenders in years) and she makes Battle Cat try to hump the sofa.
The Canadian Bob Sleigh team had a nasty topple at high speed and headbutt the wall incident that they walked away from unharmed.
Curling is a sport for millies and their mothers (judging by the GB team), and for people who want to say "I brush ice for a living."
Early repeats of Friends remind us that 90s fashion only seemed okay because it came after the 80s.
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