Lets Play Pinball

Hot Baby Roy hasn't been here all week so I called him to ask where he was. He said that he was in Donegal with Hot Firey Love Lady. I told him I was happy for him but that this call was costing me da bomb (I think that's the right context to say that, isn't it?).

I'm jealous as fuck of him and gingerella swanning around being all cool and luved up and me just lonely and playing pinball in my tightest spandex. Sometimes I think I'll go coco bongo and walk out into the middle of the street wielding a baseball bat and singing "I'm Tuesday Kid and I am funky," as I batter civilians at first, and cops as they try to play the heroes. Something is holding me back though and I'm not sure what it is. It's something to do with Battle Cat, something about how I was sure I'd bought a big violent dog (in the making) but he ended up a big cuddly friend of a dog. I hope it's my influence. I hope I'm holding back because I'd end up shouting for a bit and make it obvious that I'm unhappy. I want my parties back, I want a big bag of crack. Wages are in, maybe I'll call up Zim Van Bindle and see if he wants to watch the sweat drip from my balls.

Hot Leotard Porn Scenario Number 1

I arrived round at the Leotard Girls house yesterday with my tool box and full of excitement at the prospect of hot leotard girl sex.

Unfortunately they pointed me in the direction of their fridge which was making this fucked up clicking sound from the back. Apparently there had been a party last weekend where it got knocked over and it hasn't been right since.

I was well out of my depth but pretended to fiddle around with it and check stuff. After about half an hour I told them that they should contact their landlord because it was his responsibility.

"But what about the parties?" shouted Princess Cheetara. "We have parties here all the time, we don't want him to know."

"Lie," I said.

I was a bit fucked off at not being invited to their cool parties, even if they were attended by headbutting dickheads. This isn't fair. I would have burst into tears if it wasn't that they started talking all frantic about Cheryl Cole and Ashely Cole splitting up, they would have thought I was crying about that.

"I think my heart is broken," I said fighting to keep the tears in.

Then I realised they thought I was talking about Cheryl and Ashley too, so I let the tears flow freely.

In the end I picked up my toolbox and sulked out of there without even so much as a cup of tea or peck on the cheek.

I'm Sick in Bed

Both Hot Baby Roy and Wino Jo have been taking care of me now I'm ill. It's very nice because Hot Baby Roy brings me up soup and sits and tells me stories about the Leotard Girls or more about his blossoming relationship with The Raven Princess Spandex. He's getting his hopes up a bit because they haven't even kissed or been on a date yet. I asked him about if she mentioned me and he just stares awkwardly at the ground and changes the subject. He'll regret it if he doesn't help me, that's all I'll say for now.

Wino Jo brings me hot whiskeys and I worry that he maybe drinks some of the whiskey himself but I don't want to get into that conversation because he might stop bringing me them and they give me energy.

I half suspect that they're both waiting on me to fall asleep so they can use my laptop but if I catch them at it I'll break their bones (when I'm better).

I might put on a leotard for comfort, just under my pyjamas. No one will see.

My Cool Plans Backfire

Wino Jo was in a terrible state this morning. When I came down the stairs he was sitting shaking and drinking a big mug of black coffee.

"I think I'm back on the drink," he said.

"Why's that?" I said looking into his battered tear stained face.

"I've taken a terrible kicking, I must have been pished as fuck last night. I don't remember a thing."

I felt terrible. The kicking was meant to put him in his place, not make him think he's having blackouts.

It's the The Raven Princess Spandex and Princess Cheetara's party tonight and now I can't bring Wino Jo and I can't leave him alone because he was telling me he was going to go and down a bottle of Joop.

Now I'm going to have to let Hot Baby Roy go on his own and fuck things up for us.

Hot Baby Roy Talks Ego

Hot Baby Roy was up this morning when I was getting ready to go to work. He said he was taking Battle Cat for an extra special long walk. Battle Cat looked really happy, wagging his tail and thumping it off the floor. Hot Baby Roy looked worried.

He said that we need to make sure that we look cool at this party too and that we need to get new outfits. I told him I'd no money. He said there was a time that wouldn't have stopped me.

He also said we needed to make sure we knew about all the latest stuff in the charts because the Leotard Girls would want guys who knew about stuff like the Saturdays. Especially The Raven Princess Spandex (the black haired one who Hot Baby Roy says I have to like best because he likes Princess Cheetara best (the blonde one)).

He told me about a girl group called the Saturdays and how in their new video they were dressed as superheroines. He says his favourites are Rochelle and Frankie because they used to be in the S Club Juniors, then he saw the look of suspicion on my face and shouted "S Club 8! I mean S Club 8!"

Then he showed me the vid for their new song Ego. I know the bastard's going to wank all round the house to it after I've gone to work.