How Do You Meet Justin Bieber

I told Hot Baby Roy yesterday about my meeting with Clarence Pishflap. He said that Hot Firey Love Lady's met Clarence already and thinks he's a pishflap. He'd been round her house because he knows Mother of Bowling Ball.

I suppose it makes sense because I keep forgetting how everyone in Belfast knows everyone else. The only reason I met Mother of Bowling Ball is because he was at a party with Betty Blue's mates. And Clarence hangs around with The Unicorn Girl, and Betty Blue said he used to go out with Sandcastles.

Hot Baby Roy laughed his hole off when I said this. He said their relationship was little more than a horny girl fed up with frozen cucumbers. He had shagged her a few times and told her he wanted a relationship. Sandcastles couldn't be arsed with his whining so she said yes but then one time Clarence took him round to her house it was awkward as fuck. They barely spoke for over an hour. Then Clarence went to the toilet and she started asking him if he liked her legs. He said that he didn't want to insult her so he said yes. Then she told him that he could rub them if he wanted, and to hang around after Clarence left. Hot Baby Roy thought he was going to get his hole but Clarence had been on the other side of the door listening to the whole thing. He burst in all Hercule Poirot. Aha!

And that's why they're not friends anymore.

I asked him how he met Clarence. He said he'd thrown a party at his a few years ago when he lived with his parents. He invited a load of people he didn't really know because the object of the party was for him to make new buddies. He was having a wild time when the party started swinging but because of all the booze he'd drank he needed to have a big pish. So when he went to drain cyclops in the bog he heard funny noises coming from his parent's room.

He went in and found Clarence rummaging through his mum's underwear drawer. He turned around all startled.

"I'm not wanking," Clarence shouted.

Then they became friends.