The Leader of The Razorlight Fan Club Falls

The Banshee moved in next door today with Derek Baby so Fabian Wildman's pissed off about not being able to move there. He'd been brushing up on his sweaty metal moves and he was looking forward to comparing spandex with Derek Baby and now it's all gone to shit.

He was fumming about the house so I decided to get out and clear my head. I ran into Rock and Roll Stephen who was in a wile state. He said that his girlfriend had left him for some other dickhead who had skinnier jeans and looked more like Johnny Borrell.

"It's not a mark of a man who has the tightest jeans, she must be immature," I offered by way of consolation.

"Nobody's jeans are tighter than mine," he screamed. "I sit in the bath for hours to get them this tight, I'm going to get pains when I'm old."

He started blubbing and saying that he hated wearing tight jeans, he has all these infected ingrowing hairs on his legs and he can't walk properly anymore.

I offered to take him for a beer to cheer him up but he winced and looked even more panicked.

"I can't be seen with you," he screamed. "You're not cool, I need to be seen with someone who's cool to get her back."

I told him it wasn't going to happen. He was now on a long slow slide into uncoolness. The fact that he was using the word cool showed this. He'd be saying "groovy" next and meaning it, and wearing clothes for their comfort.

He fell on his knees and begged me to tell him this wasn't true but I said what he was doing only further showed this was the case.

"You know I used to hang about with you for cool points," I lied to him. "But not now, not now."

I walked away shaking my head while he lay on the street crying his wee indie heart out.

The Hermione Granger Fan Club

Hot Baby Roy might read my blogs because after me slagging him off a bit recently he showed up at the house today saying that he'd a present for me.

I was a bit dubious but he went into his coat pocket and pulled out a folded up bit of paper to reveal a picture of the lovely Emma Watson who plays the gorgeous Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies.

He said he was a big fan of hers but he knew I was too so he thought he'd bring me a gift.

I was very happy.

I invited him in for a cup of tea and a chat about Hermione.

It soon turned out that Hot Baby Roy was more into Emma Watson and I was more into Hermione. I told him my love for Hermione was pure, while he said he'd love to have sex with Emma Watson under a waterfall.

I didn't fancy his chances but I told him that was a nice thing to think about.

He said that if Razorlight could do it, so could he, because Razorlight was an ugly bastard and Hot Baby Roy had moves.

He has a point there but I'm not so sure her and Razorlight did the deed. I suspect if they did that Razorlight would boast about it in a song.

He said that when he came off crack he'd written her a letter, not about sex but about the other emotions he felt for her. She never replied. He included a picture in it too. That might be the reason why.

He said he was doing his Care Bear Stare in the photo and that if he ever met her he'd do it and he'd be sure to win her heart. He did it for me and I told him he'd have more luck if he just bundled her into the back of a van.

He asked what me and Fabian Wildman were doing for the twelfth. I told him I didn't know about Fabian Wildman but I liked to sleep all day and wank a bit. I waved the Hermione picture at him to show I appreciated the effort because he looked a bit sad that we weren't doing anything.

Perhaps Hot Baby Roy is lonely like I used to be.

Hermione Granger is further away than ever and the guy from Abba is a weirdo

I stayed in tonight because I'm skint as fuck and Fabian Wildman sat all sulky and teary eyed trying to start conversations with me about Jacko that I'd no interest in. I was contemplating licking the bowl (that's how far gone I was) when Jonathan Ross came on. I like Johno and I haven't watched him in ages. So I thought I'd check him out. I was so happy to find that his first guest was the sexy Hermione Granger (well, not Hermione really, it was Emma Watson who plays her in the films). Anyways Emma was being all cool and funny and I think I've forgiven her for dating Razorlight (I hate him). Then she turns round and says she has a boyfriend. I was fucking livid I nearly kicked the tv round the house for the rest of the evening. I tried to hold back but I was seriously considering doing it anyway when she says that she had to kiss Ron Weasley and it felt like incest. I felt a wee throb in my crotch and gave myself a good rub down. I was a bit all over the place for the rest of the show until I saw Benny from Abba's sixties band the Hep Stars. Here they are, what a weird bunch of fuckers:

Indie Wank Boy Gets Fucked in the Mouth Part 2

When I came round this morning I felt awful. I sat in my room and shook for ages.

Fabian Wildman came in and asked was I okay. He says he could hear my bed jingle and it didn't sound like wanking.

I told him about hitting the Razorlight fan.

He asked if I wanted him to go and talk to him and settle things. It was a kind offer but I really need to start sorting some of my own messes out.

He said it was okay because he remembers how I cleaned up his boke when he gave up and that's why he doesn't mind doing the same for me now.

I told him I'd take this one.

I had a shower and went over the road with a wee present for the indie boy.

He opened the door and looked all scared at me.

"I've just come over to say sorry about hitting you last night," I said.

He looked like he wasn't buying it.

"I've a wee present for ye," I said. "Can I come in?"

He opened the door and stood back.

I gave him a bit of paper that said "Johnny Borrell".

"Let me tell you how I got this," I said. "Years ago Johnny Borrell was on crack like me. He went to Donaghadee to help him give it up. I met him when he was there. He was always walking around, wearing sunglasses and playing electric rock and roll guitar. I told him that I thought he was a cool dude. I told him I thought he'd go far and be famous. I asked him for his autograph because when I saw him on tv I wanted to be able to say I was the first person to get his autograph. So he gave it to me. And now I'm giving it to you."

You should have seen the wee indie lad's face light up. It was like I'd just shown him how to levitate because he could have floated by the look on his face.

He offered me a smoke of a spliffy but I told him I was grand as long as we were cool.

He said we were.

I wished him luck and left.

Indie Wank Boy Gets Fucked in the Mouth

I've been dying for a smoke of crack all week and today I couldn't take it any more. I went out to the bin to search for my pipe, to find that the bins had already been emptied. I went in the house and started pacing up and down the living room thinking about how I could get myself some crack and be back here and high in under an hour.

Then I went to the cupboard and found a bottle of Vodka. I thought if I'd a few slugs of it it'd calm me down. I downed it in about ten minutes and felt great for about half an hour then I boked all over the place and passed out.

When I woke up the house was empty and in darkness.

I went across the street still a bit pissed to speak to the indie dick who filmed me pishing through Hooka's letter box.

"What do you want?" he said.

I grabbed him by the throat.

"What do you think you're at videoing me with your phone you wee wanker?"

Some Razorlight rock and rollers came piling out of the livingroom.

"Let go of him bozo," they said.

"Okay," I said letting him go. "I want you to destroy that video."

He started laughing and looking at his mates. I kneed him in the balls and brought my fist up to hit him in the mouth as he doubled up.

He keeled over unconscious. His mates stood there looking worried.

"Any of you wee wankers fancy a taste?" I asked them. They shook their heads.

I went through the wee indie wanker's pockets and found his phone. I found the video on it and deleted it. Then I put it back in his pocket.

"See when he comes round," I said to his mates. "Tell him if he's made any copies he'd better delete them too, because if I find out there's any floating around I'll give him some more of the same."

Sometimes I Stumble and Fall

I was sitting in Charlie's Coffee shop on Bradbury Place when Rock and Roll Stephen walked in. He was with some Rock and Roll girl so when I tried to say hi he blanked me.

I sat sipping my coffee and trying to think about what to do for the day but I couldn't help but over hear them.

"I was cool at school, but no one ever gave me credit for it," the girl who looked to be in her twenties was saying. "I was listening to the Libertines before anyone else."

Rock and Roll Stephen just sat pulling a pose that made him look deep and unconcerned.

"Then they all started listening to them but I'd moved on to other cooler bands," she said, with this big smile like she was finally getting validation.

Rock and Roll Stephen turned to look at her. Then he said:

"I never asked you to understand how I keep myself to myself in the crush of the crowd. But all you can say is 'Who cares? It's part of the deal'".

Then she looked at him all amazed like he'd said something so vital. They didn't really make much sense. I know they're fucking Razorlight lyrics and if she was half the musso she claimed to be she'd know that too. Rock and Roll Stephen said he wrote them and was going to put them in a poem he was writing. Then he went on about how he's a Pete Doherty type and if it wasn't for people like her then the Libertines might have given up and Pete and Carl wouldn't have saved his life.

I really wanted to interupt and tell her that I knew Rock and Roll Stephen back when he was seventeen and used to get turned away from The Venue yet and he used to go home and wank over his ma's club books and get caught and get a clash in the face and a burst mouth and say he got it from fighting with street gangs. Lying wee bastard.

I wanted to say this, but how could I? They looked so loved up and they're both wankers so at least they can be wankers at each other and not fuck up someone decent.