Wino Jo hits the road

wino Jo came into the livingroom and spoke to me this morning. He said that he was going to go and visit the Fruitarian. I told him I was sick but when I was better then yes. He said he was going to go today.

He's going to stay long term at the Fruitarian's it'll be nice him sitting eating rotten bananas and tofu. I know he can't stand it but he takes what he's given (he's polite like that) and he knows to go when the money runs low, good old Wino Jo, fucker.

Where is Wino Jo?

Fabian Wildman's been sitting in his room all depressed since he brought Battle Cat back from his walk the other day. I feel sorry for him but he's doing really well with staying off crack. He said at breakfast this morning that he wanted to look for a job. It makes me think I should maybe get my own act together.

I went out for a walk to mull things over. I met Hooka at the top of the street. She asked me if I poured milk through her letter box. I told her no and that it was probably the wee spides who kick bins over. She told me that it took her ages to convince Fat Rab not to go round to mine to fight me. I told her I didn't care if he came round because I'd knock his fat ugly ass out. I also told her that was no way to thank someone who had looked after her pet all week and that maybe if she wanted me to help her out in future I'd see some more manners from her between now and then. She looked all shocked at me but I just walked off up the street.

I was worried because I got a call from my metaller brother last night saying no one's seen Wino Jo in ages. I rang round the hot shot banker and the fruitarian and they said they'd not heard from him. Then I realised that none of them ever heard anything from him. I was the only one who saw him except for at holidays or "family" things.

I checked the Stella Maris hostel in Garmoyle Street, which is where he normally stays. They hadn't heard from him. I checked round at the back of Queen St. Foosted Wotsit Head told me he hadn't seen him all year. Then he hicked a laugh because it had only been a week and a half. I told him if he sees him to get him to call me.

Wino Jo goes wandering off all the time and he's been missing for longer than this before so I'm not going to get too worried about it yet. Strange that the rest noticed this time.

I was wandering through town today when I bumped into my hostshot banker brother. He nearly walked past me without speaking.
"Why weren't you at The Fruitarian's intervention?" I asked him.
"Making Money," he said patronisingly rubbing his finger and thumb together in a kerching kinda way.
"Very good, see if this credit crunch fucks you up, you'll get fuck all help from anyone you miser,"
"The Northern aren't likely to go down," he smirked.
"Lucky for you," I nodded.
"Well, it was nice seeing you," he says.
"Here listen, lend us a twenty would you? I need it for crack."
He handed me a twenty and a tenner as well.
"Get yourself some toothpaste too," he said showing me his clean teeth.
I wandered off thinking I could get some cough syrup as well, it would take the edge off until my dole comes in. It was nice of him to lend (give) me the money (he knows he'll never see it again), but the last time he didn't I went into the bank and asked for a loan. They said no so I told them who my brother was and they told me he wasn't in until the day after but that he couldn't give me a load either. I threw a bottle of piss in the cashier's face and puked on the police when they showed up to arrest me. So my brother was warned he'd lose his job if I ever did that again, even though it wasn't his fault. All the same, when I need money for crack he gives me it.

My fruitarian brother called round today. He looked weary but there was something excited about him too.

- You've got to come with me, he said eagerly, pulling me by the arm. - I want a McDonalds!

I followed him through the streets of Belfast. It was funny watching his large shambling frame all clean and clothed for a change.

He talked excitedly about how he missed meat and was looking forward to "masticating a cow". He kept repeating that phrase.

I wondered what had brought about the change in him but didn't want to ask.

I felt really happy for him sitting at McDonald's as he wolfed down three Big Macs and licked his fingers clean at the end.

It was a really good day up until he boked all over the show. Something to do with his body not being used to meat proteins. He couldn't hold it down. Poor guy. It would have been okay but he boked in some wee kid's hair and his da wanted a fight. I told him if he started anything his kid would be going home with a da with no teeth. The kid burst into tears and started screaming "DON'T HIT MY DAD!"

Poor kid, anyway we fucked off at high speed after that.

I was totally set to go to my brother's intervention when I ran into Fabian Wildman in Botanic. I was supposed to catch the train but I was feeling hassled, so when he invited me back to his for a smoke of crack I graciously accepted.

He told me all about The Death Owl getting arrested and how he's been gassing rats in their oven as part of a spell to stop himself getting sent down. It's a bit fucked up and the worry was showing in Fabian's face as he talked and talked. I told him he should get the landlord to chuck The Death Owl out but he just shrugged. I think he's scared of him.

I caught the train late and ended up getting to my metaller brother's house wasted off my face two hours late. It was mostly over by the time I got there. My fruitarian brother was talking about how plants feel pain and saying if a dog ate our babies we'd have it put down. It was horrific.

I went up to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom but all he had was some calpol. Paracetamol is easy to overdose on so I left it alone. I bet the mean bastard cleared it out especially for me.

I fucked off after that. My hotshot banker brother (Northern since you asked) never bothered his arse showing up so it was only the metaller and Wino Jo (my oldest brother, who could also do with his own intervention) left to take care of things. I went round to the Fruitarian's house and left him a basket of fruit. I hope he's okay. Winter's coming in and I keep thinking about the guy at the end of Into The Wild. I hope he weathers it okay.

I got a call from my metaller brother today. He wants me to come to an intervention for my fruitarian brother. It really sucks because on the one hand I have to help out family but on the other I'm a little annoyed that they never held one for me when I was smoking crack all the time.

My fruitarian brother is a worry: he weighs under ten stone, and he's six foot two. None of us visit him hardly because he barely ever wears clothes. He doesn't shave or cut his hair and he looks like Jungle Barry. He just wanders about his garden hoping that pears will fall off his pear tree. It's so sad. I sometimes bring him a bag of bananas because I know he needs his potassium K. He eyes them suspiciously but I know he eats them when I go home.

The thing is I'd just like to see him get on with his life. If he even had a fruitarian girlfriend or even another type of fruit tree he might have a bit more variety in his life.

This thing is tomorrow and I know it's going to be long and awkward, having to listen to all his arguments about nature and the like, and then counter them with facts about his emaciated form.

Wish me luck.

The wind is howling like a mutherfucker here in Belfast and I can't go out to buy more drugs. Worse still my dealer won't come round to sell to me because he might catch the cold and then he'll have to stay in bed to get better, and he won't be able to make money from selling drugs.

Anyways fuck him. I hoaked out all the cupboards and found a bottle of cough medicine and half a packet of Strepsils. I took them all about an hour ago and I just feel kinda woozy. Not cool. I've just been laying on my sofa thinking about how cool it would be to be Hermione Granger's boyfriend but I guess that'll never happen. It makes me so sad when I have to end daydreams with that thought.

I got a call from my asshole brother too just while I was starting to think about something else and he just reaffirmed that my Hermione thoughts were bullshit and that I should punch my own weight. What does he know? Mutherfucker does yoga and is a fruitarian so he doesn't really have any weight. I think he cheats sometimes and buys a bunch of bananas to get his dose of potassium K but he insists that's balls.

Anyways. I'm pissed off because I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight without my two lines of coke; maybe I should have saved some of that cough medicine.