How To Hide From The Police

I went back round to Good King Thumpo's last night and no one answered. I broke in again and the place looked like it hadn't been touched (hard to tell with the mess though). Ma-Mutt was chained up outside looking hungry. I gave him some hard loaf off the sideboard and he yummed it up in a few mouthfuls. He still had a big hungry look on his face so I gave him a packet of Hob Nob's that were in a Spar bag along with 2 litres of milk that goes out of date tomorrow.

I went inside and back upstairs to have a better look if anything was different. There was a knock at the door. I snuck a look out the window to see it was the peelers. He was by himself. He knocked for ages. I crept to the other side of the house and looked out to make sure there weren't cops round there.

Did someone see me break in? Had someone else called the cops on Good King Thumpo and his nasty snuff loving ways? Or was the cop there on account of some other misdemeanor?

I moved slowly and quietly back into Good King Thumpo's bedroom and waited and watched the cop walk off. I waited for a while to see if he'd come back. Then I bolted out of the back door and ran the fuck home.

Where is Good King Thumpo?

Another Missing Person

Hot Baby Roy is no longer missing. He sent me a jokey text yesterday after I sent him one saying if you haven't replied in an hour I'm reporting you missing.

It was all "Calm Down Tuesday Kid. I've been too busy with my bonnie lass for texting friends!"

Fuck him. I was so worried. I sat up the night before sniffing felt tips and spooning coffee into myself because I didn't know what to do.

I haven't heard anything more from him but I think I suspect his bonnie lass is that ganger wonder I saw him with at Lavery's. He might not be missing any more but I am. I can't find the Tuesday Kid who used to feel like he knew what was going on. I need a fucking job.

I hope this ganger girl has non ganger friends.

How to Report a Missing Person

Hot Baby Roy is still missing, I've left him a voicemail and sent him some texts but no answer. How do you report someone missing? I know you go to the cops but is it too early?

Foosted Wotsit Head Has Dreams of Wino Jo

I ran into Foosted Wotsit head today at the back of Queen St he was trying to open a can of beans by smashing it off some bricks. I explained the wee ring pull on it and how it works and in no time Foosted Wotsit head was tucking into a meal of cold beans. It was a small consolation because he was shaking them all over himself with his DTs.

Anyways, I asked him if he'd seen Wino Jo.

"Only in my dreams," he said giving me this really startled look.

This was a bit worrying because Foosted Wotsit head has all these dreams about missing persons. In his dreams he usually has a violent encounter with them. I've sometimes suspected they're memories instead of dreams but Wino Jo always said Foosted Wotsit head was harmless. It was strange he was so sure since none of the missing people ever turned up again. Anyways, I hope to fuck he's just having a funny turn.

It was a weird one too and this song by the Carpenters really sums up how I feel at the mo. Walking around like some kind of lonely clown How did she know?

Where is Wino Jo?

Fabian Wildman's been sitting in his room all depressed since he brought Battle Cat back from his walk the other day. I feel sorry for him but he's doing really well with staying off crack. He said at breakfast this morning that he wanted to look for a job. It makes me think I should maybe get my own act together.

I went out for a walk to mull things over. I met Hooka at the top of the street. She asked me if I poured milk through her letter box. I told her no and that it was probably the wee spides who kick bins over. She told me that it took her ages to convince Fat Rab not to go round to mine to fight me. I told her I didn't care if he came round because I'd knock his fat ugly ass out. I also told her that was no way to thank someone who had looked after her pet all week and that maybe if she wanted me to help her out in future I'd see some more manners from her between now and then. She looked all shocked at me but I just walked off up the street.

I was worried because I got a call from my metaller brother last night saying no one's seen Wino Jo in ages. I rang round the hot shot banker and the fruitarian and they said they'd not heard from him. Then I realised that none of them ever heard anything from him. I was the only one who saw him except for at holidays or "family" things.

I checked the Stella Maris hostel in Garmoyle Street, which is where he normally stays. They hadn't heard from him. I checked round at the back of Queen St. Foosted Wotsit Head told me he hadn't seen him all year. Then he hicked a laugh because it had only been a week and a half. I told him if he sees him to get him to call me.

Wino Jo goes wandering off all the time and he's been missing for longer than this before so I'm not going to get too worried about it yet. Strange that the rest noticed this time.