Caught Shoplifting for the First Time

Those of you who've been reading my blog for a while will know that I occasionally like to boast that I've never been caught shoplifting. This is no longer true. Today I was caught red-handed in Dunnes Stores on the Ormeau Road of all places.

Recently I've been getting a bit smug about my shoplifting, even going as far as to announce on this blog that I was going shoplifting in HMV before I went. This is called hubris.

Today I finally met my Hubris, it wasn't some security guard hyped up on steroids and a lack of recent paramilitary activity, not was it a crafty store detective with his ear to the street.

It was a wee middle aged shelf stacker who was supposed to be watching where her Custard Creme's.

One of my favourite tricks is when I weigh my fruit and veg that I set it on the scales and hold it up so that only a little of the weight registers. I've been known to get a nice big bunch of bananas for only twenty P.

Only today feeling like I was master theif I smuggly forgot to check who was watching and this nasty wee trout saw everything.

I was stopped at the till and my bananas, onions and carrots re-weighed.

"We're not going to call security this time," the till operator smuggly said. (A mouthy bitch with short reddish hair and glasses - fuck you too love).

"You're scales must be faulty," I shrugged.

"They're not faulty," she spat in disgust. "The girls who work here aren't stupid."

"That's why they're stacking shelves in Dunnes," I shrugged holding out the wrists, daring them to cuff me. "Arrest me or Party Down and Go Fuck Yourselves."

Then I walked free, letting them keep their fucking bananas and I kept my criminal record clean, which is good because when overpopulation gets out of control the first people who will be gotten rid of will be the crims, even before the old crumblies.

Wino Jo hits the road

wino Jo came into the livingroom and spoke to me this morning. He said that he was going to go and visit the Fruitarian. I told him I was sick but when I was better then yes. He said he was going to go today.

He's going to stay long term at the Fruitarian's it'll be nice him sitting eating rotten bananas and tofu. I know he can't stand it but he takes what he's given (he's polite like that) and he knows to go when the money runs low, good old Wino Jo, fucker.