Being Threatened with a Big Violent Dog

I've changed the look of the blog, just felt after a year and a half that I'd do some redecorating. Some like it, some aren't sure. I suppose it's like when Doctor Who regenerates and the fans say "He'll never be like (insert the previous Doctor)." But then the new Doctor does extra-cool super dooper shit in the next episode and everyone thinks they is da bomb (or thereabouts).

Me and Hot Baby Roy were watching the new Doctor Who the other night on iPlayer and thinking that this has been Matt Smith's best episode yet. Hot Baby Roy became visably excited when Amy Pond tried it on with him but was really fucking angry when he said no. He started shouting at the telly that if he'd have Billie Piper he shouldn't turn his fucking nose up at Karen Gillan.

I had to explain that it was a different Doctor so different tastes. Hot Baby Roy said bullshit and stormed off upstairs.

I took Battle Cat out for a walk and bumped into Clarence Pishflap at the bottom of the street. He asked if Hot Baby Roy was in. I asked him who wanted to know.

He told me that he was going to batter Hot Baby Roy for what he did to Rock and Roll Stephen.

"I thought you were supposed to be Hot Baby Roy's friend." I said.

"I was but he's trying to fuck it up for me with The Unicorn Girl, going round beating up her friends. Who the fuck does he think he is?"

"He thinks he's Hot Baby Roy," I said, then I realised I sounded like a dick. "Listen if you hit him I'll break your face."

"There's not just me going to hit him. There's Mother of Bowling Ball too. You'd best let me beat him up unless you want to feel his violence and all."

"Mother of Bowling Ball? I destroyed him with one punch last year. We're not scared of him, you and him. You're going to go home now and me and Battle Cat will follow you at a distance for a bit, just to make sure you're out of the area."

He protested but Battle Cat started snarling. He didn't like that. He snarled back but walk off in defeat.

As a parting shot he said: "I'm not going home, I'm going to see The Unicorn Girl."

Fuck him, at another point I'll get him for that but I'm starting to wonder, with Clarence Pishflap, Mother of Bowling Ball and The Death Owl all coming back into the picture I need to watch my back.

No Way, No Way

This has to be the worst song I've ever heard, and I quite liked it when it was the Muppets' theme. Anyway, I had forgotten about this almost (it was always there, or had just finished, when I woke shivering on cold nights and I would have worked it out if I hadn't been scrambling to work out where I was). I came home last night from a smokin' hot jam with my sweaty metal band when I found that Fabian Wildman had thrown a party and invited the cast of the video along (I'm not sure if it was the real cast but it looked like them).

I often wonder what's happened to him, whatever happened to the Fabian that ate boiled eggs out of Betty Blue's pussy? Back to my Doctor Who analogy for Fabian Wildman because I think this sums him up. He's like when Paul McGann did the TV Movie. You could tell at the heart of it all he was the right guy and he was very much in the right place but everything else about it stank. So yeah, I want Fabian to be cool and fearless again and not moping around on crack with this skanky bunch.

Heavy Metal Vomit Party No.1

I've been worried about Fabian Wildman since he lost his job. He just sits around the house huffing lighter gas and screaming about the Poles. I decided to take him to a heavy metal vomit party up in Rosetta to cheer him up. Me, him and the Sweaty Metallers showed up fashionably late and started rocking fuck out of the place. Fabian Wildman seemed to cheer up and I left him to it and went and met Johnny Davro and Peace Man. They're apparently really cool dudes and I wanted them to like me because all the skanky metal pussy hangs around them. Yum yum.

Rather than walk up and be all "yo I'm Tuesday Kid," I decided to try a different tactic. They were sitting at a table not saying anything and I just wandered up and sat down beside them. I didn't speak and neither did they. We all just sat trying to out cool each other. After two hours I just got up and walked off. I think I made a good impression.

I walked into the livingroom and found Fabian Wildman sitting shaking and foaming at the mouth talking about how foreigners were coming into our country and taking all our jobs. I wasn't too pleased because fuck knows who was listening and that's the sort of talk that starts fights. I tried to lead him off topic but he kept coming back to it. Then he started cursing the labour government and saying that things were better under the tories.

I don't know where he gets this from because he didn't used to talk like this. I think he must have some new dildo mates filling his head with pish.

That got me thinking about Doctor Who. Both me and Fabian Wildman are big Doctor Who fans and if you watch it you know that the doctor sometimes regenerates and when he does not only does he look different but his personality changes too. I think Fabian has had a recent regeneration and it's changed him from cool but intense crack head into failed yuppie wannabee with overtones of racism. I hope he's really done a Colin Baker (6th Doctor) which is seem like a bit of a nasty dude but really the good guy is underneath waiting to slowly emerge.