It's my Fruitarian Brother's birthday this weekend. I'm thinking of having a dead cow dumped on his lawn just to let him know that I'm a meat man.
I've been off work for the past few days because I ate a dodgy kebab the other night and didn't want to risk shiteing myself with rotten diarrhoea in front of everyone especially not The Punchbowl Girl. I'm getting a bit sweet on her and it's not just the sex and it's not the grunge and it's not even that she wants to be the new Betty Blue. I don't know it all seems to come together in the right way.
So yeah, I don't want to shite myself in front of her, not yet anyway but I'm going into work tomorrow, if only to see her, just so I can ask her to The Fruitarian's birthday party. I'm downing a bottle of flat Coke in the morning just to make sure my pants stay clean.
DISCLAIMER: I have not shit myself but it has been close.
Showing posts with label diarrhoea. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diarrhoea. Show all posts
Thursday, 19 August 2010
Thursday, 30 April 2009
Monkey Flu Comes To Belfast
Today I woke up to screaming, it was different screaming to Fabian Wildman's sex screams. I went running downstairs to find it was Fabian Wildman. He was standing in the kitchen with his hand under the cold tap screaming and crying.
"What's wrong? Did you burn yourself?" I asked.
"No!" he screamed. "I've been infected with Monkey Flu!"
"You mean swine flu?" I asked recoiling from him like I would from granny porn.
"NO! MONKEY FLU!"
"What's monkey flu?" I asked.
"You get it from eating beige foods!" he squeeled. "It makes you shit and piss yourself turn about and then you die,"
"Beige foods?" I asked wondering why he'd his hand under the tap.
"You know buns, pastries, all that shit that tramps eat, now one of the fuckers has bit me! Fuck those gypsy bastards down castle street! I only reached into his tin looking for crack money!"
"Maybe if you did an honest days begging instead of stealing you'd have the money now instead of monkey flu, which by the way sounds like a load of balls to me."
"You'll be sorry when you find me dead!" he squeeled running up the stairs in a wild panic. He locked himself in the toilet and he's been there ever since.
"What's wrong? Did you burn yourself?" I asked.
"No!" he screamed. "I've been infected with Monkey Flu!"
"You mean swine flu?" I asked recoiling from him like I would from granny porn.
"NO! MONKEY FLU!"
"What's monkey flu?" I asked.
"You get it from eating beige foods!" he squeeled. "It makes you shit and piss yourself turn about and then you die,"
"Beige foods?" I asked wondering why he'd his hand under the tap.
"You know buns, pastries, all that shit that tramps eat, now one of the fuckers has bit me! Fuck those gypsy bastards down castle street! I only reached into his tin looking for crack money!"
"Maybe if you did an honest days begging instead of stealing you'd have the money now instead of monkey flu, which by the way sounds like a load of balls to me."
"You'll be sorry when you find me dead!" he squeeled running up the stairs in a wild panic. He locked himself in the toilet and he's been there ever since.
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
In the wee small hours.
I haven't been sleeping so well and neither's Fabian Wildman, I got up at 3 last night after only a few hours sleep to find him sitting in the livingroom in a deep trance. I asked him what was wrong and he asked me what was wrong.
He kept repeating everything I said until I rushed out of the room and came back with a baseball bat. He started shouting that he had just been playing a trick.
I told him not to be playing tricks like that because they gave me the diarrhoea.
After we listened to the shipping news me and Fabian decided that since we couldn't sleep we'd sit and spoon coffee into us just to get all jittery. After an hour of scranning coffee we heard a knock at the door and went to answer it, armed with baseball bats.
No one was outside apart from a fat man in a leotard asking where Fabian was. I told him Fabian had died of the influenza during the war. He told me that he was here to pay his respects. He barged in before we could tell him to fuck off. He sat in the living room while Fabian made him cup after cup of coffee. He didn't say anything he just cried for a long time. He had a cake with him which he ate all to himself and never offered us a piece. I didn't want any in case it was poisoned with the deadly mistletoe. Then he said to Fabian that he knew him when he had a different face, and that if another man had to love his wife he was glad it was him. He knew Fabian's love was pure, unlike some other people who just wanted to plough his earth and make him eat the worms. He went to the toilet and didn't come back down. We searched upstairs for him but he was no where to be seen. I hope he isn't hiding in the roofspace. Incase he was I took a carving knife to bed with me. I hope I don't roll over in the middle of the night and stab myself in the guts with it.
He kept repeating everything I said until I rushed out of the room and came back with a baseball bat. He started shouting that he had just been playing a trick.
I told him not to be playing tricks like that because they gave me the diarrhoea.
After we listened to the shipping news me and Fabian decided that since we couldn't sleep we'd sit and spoon coffee into us just to get all jittery. After an hour of scranning coffee we heard a knock at the door and went to answer it, armed with baseball bats.
No one was outside apart from a fat man in a leotard asking where Fabian was. I told him Fabian had died of the influenza during the war. He told me that he was here to pay his respects. He barged in before we could tell him to fuck off. He sat in the living room while Fabian made him cup after cup of coffee. He didn't say anything he just cried for a long time. He had a cake with him which he ate all to himself and never offered us a piece. I didn't want any in case it was poisoned with the deadly mistletoe. Then he said to Fabian that he knew him when he had a different face, and that if another man had to love his wife he was glad it was him. He knew Fabian's love was pure, unlike some other people who just wanted to plough his earth and make him eat the worms. He went to the toilet and didn't come back down. We searched upstairs for him but he was no where to be seen. I hope he isn't hiding in the roofspace. Incase he was I took a carving knife to bed with me. I hope I don't roll over in the middle of the night and stab myself in the guts with it.
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