Caught Shoplifting for the First Time

Those of you who've been reading my blog for a while will know that I occasionally like to boast that I've never been caught shoplifting. This is no longer true. Today I was caught red-handed in Dunnes Stores on the Ormeau Road of all places.

Recently I've been getting a bit smug about my shoplifting, even going as far as to announce on this blog that I was going shoplifting in HMV before I went. This is called hubris.

Today I finally met my Hubris, it wasn't some security guard hyped up on steroids and a lack of recent paramilitary activity, not was it a crafty store detective with his ear to the street.

It was a wee middle aged shelf stacker who was supposed to be watching where her Custard Creme's.

One of my favourite tricks is when I weigh my fruit and veg that I set it on the scales and hold it up so that only a little of the weight registers. I've been known to get a nice big bunch of bananas for only twenty P.

Only today feeling like I was master theif I smuggly forgot to check who was watching and this nasty wee trout saw everything.

I was stopped at the till and my bananas, onions and carrots re-weighed.

"We're not going to call security this time," the till operator smuggly said. (A mouthy bitch with short reddish hair and glasses - fuck you too love).

"You're scales must be faulty," I shrugged.

"They're not faulty," she spat in disgust. "The girls who work here aren't stupid."

"That's why they're stacking shelves in Dunnes," I shrugged holding out the wrists, daring them to cuff me. "Arrest me or Party Down and Go Fuck Yourselves."

Then I walked free, letting them keep their fucking bananas and I kept my criminal record clean, which is good because when overpopulation gets out of control the first people who will be gotten rid of will be the crims, even before the old crumblies.

A Night in the House Skint

My dole isn't in my bank, and I haven't spent it either. That useless 70s Crimewatch Photofit Suspect has fucked up the payment. I had to borrow money from Hot Baby Roy which is a bit embarrasing because I let him stay at mine rent free. I know the dole pays the rent for me but still.

Hot Baby Roy was off out last night, he didn't say where but it left me and Battle Cat sitting in the house with fuck all to do but rewatch crappy teen romance movies (which Battle Cat hates - he growls everytime Zac Efron or some suck dick comes on screen and he barked the house down when Hot Baby Roy stuck on some Hannah Montana).

Our DVD collection is pish, I've seen all my movies tons of times and I can't bring myself to watch some of the really suspect stuff Hot Baby Roy owns (The Olsens in New York Minute).

I'd really like to watch a movie about proper adults doing adult things, I don't care if it's a comedy, drama, thriller whatever, just as long as it doesn't involve some asshole at "high school" totally bugging out dude over some fuckface they're totally like into and stuff. In the end I just went online and searched for jobs, not even the kiss-a-gram one is still there, it's all badly paid shit in the arse end of no where. Anytime I see something like a shop job that I think might be easy enough it turns out to be part time or casual. What the fuck is casual? That can mean 0 hours per week. Who the fuck wants that?

I want a job that allows me to buy some new DVDs because I can see my unemployed status as a cyclical thing.

Anyone recommend some good films I might be able to shoplift out of HMV?

That's right HMV I'm coming your way, and you won't catch me.
I sat and searched for jobs online, there was