Those of you who've been reading my blog for a while will know that I occasionally like to boast that I've never been caught shoplifting. This is no longer true. Today I was caught red-handed in Dunnes Stores on the Ormeau Road of all places.
Recently I've been getting a bit smug about my shoplifting, even going as far as to announce on this blog that I was going shoplifting in HMV before I went. This is called hubris.
Today I finally met my Hubris, it wasn't some security guard hyped up on steroids and a lack of recent paramilitary activity, not was it a crafty store detective with his ear to the street.
It was a wee middle aged shelf stacker who was supposed to be watching where her Custard Creme's.
One of my favourite tricks is when I weigh my fruit and veg that I set it on the scales and hold it up so that only a little of the weight registers. I've been known to get a nice big bunch of bananas for only twenty P.
Only today feeling like I was master theif I smuggly forgot to check who was watching and this nasty wee trout saw everything.
I was stopped at the till and my bananas, onions and carrots re-weighed.
"We're not going to call security this time," the till operator smuggly said. (A mouthy bitch with short reddish hair and glasses - fuck you too love).
"You're scales must be faulty," I shrugged.
"They're not faulty," she spat in disgust. "The girls who work here aren't stupid."
"That's why they're stacking shelves in Dunnes," I shrugged holding out the wrists, daring them to cuff me. "Arrest me or Party Down and Go Fuck Yourselves."
Then I walked free, letting them keep their fucking bananas and I kept my criminal record clean, which is good because when overpopulation gets out of control the first people who will be gotten rid of will be the crims, even before the old crumblies.
Showing posts with label Dunnes Stores. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dunnes Stores. Show all posts
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
Sunday, 14 December 2008
The leader of the Razorlight Fanclub
We got up late in the house. Fabian Wildman seemed okay after last night and Battle Cat even managed to shit on the newspaper I'd spread out for him in the kitchen.
Fabian took Battle Cat out for a walk and I went to the Dunnes on the Ormeau Road to buy some food. I used to like shopping here because it was cheap but now I only go here because it's one of the few shops left that allows you to pay by cheque. The even better thing is that it isn't even my cheque book that I'm paying with. Fabian managed to lay his hands on one while he was on the rob. He says he got it out of a student house. Most of them only have cheques to pay their rent so hopefully they won't notice it's gone until January.
While I was at the shop I bumped into Rock and Roll Stephen. Rock and Roll Stephen is a mixed bag: He's one of those people who will be friendly with you when it's just you and him, or he's at some place and you're the only person he knows, but if you're out at the Limelight or Katy Daly's and he's with the Razorlight Fan Club (his rock and roll friends) then he'd just blank you.
He comes strutting up to me and launches into a long and boring spiel about how some girl told him he looks like Johnny Borrell but he thinks it's only because they both have curly hair. I don't know who Johnny Borrell is but Rock and Roll Stephen explains that he is the leader of Razorlight. He says the word leader as if we're all marching with him.
I walk away while Rock and Roll Stephen is mid-sentence because he always does that to people and it's why a lot of people don't like him.
He's put me in a shit mood talking about Johnny Borrell: I don't like him because he went out with Hermione. Well not really Hermione, the actress Emma Watson who plays her in the films, but it's still closer than I'll ever get.
Fabian took Battle Cat out for a walk and I went to the Dunnes on the Ormeau Road to buy some food. I used to like shopping here because it was cheap but now I only go here because it's one of the few shops left that allows you to pay by cheque. The even better thing is that it isn't even my cheque book that I'm paying with. Fabian managed to lay his hands on one while he was on the rob. He says he got it out of a student house. Most of them only have cheques to pay their rent so hopefully they won't notice it's gone until January.
While I was at the shop I bumped into Rock and Roll Stephen. Rock and Roll Stephen is a mixed bag: He's one of those people who will be friendly with you when it's just you and him, or he's at some place and you're the only person he knows, but if you're out at the Limelight or Katy Daly's and he's with the Razorlight Fan Club (his rock and roll friends) then he'd just blank you.
He comes strutting up to me and launches into a long and boring spiel about how some girl told him he looks like Johnny Borrell but he thinks it's only because they both have curly hair. I don't know who Johnny Borrell is but Rock and Roll Stephen explains that he is the leader of Razorlight. He says the word leader as if we're all marching with him.
I walk away while Rock and Roll Stephen is mid-sentence because he always does that to people and it's why a lot of people don't like him.
He's put me in a shit mood talking about Johnny Borrell: I don't like him because he went out with Hermione. Well not really Hermione, the actress Emma Watson who plays her in the films, but it's still closer than I'll ever get.
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