Fabian's Lessons In Love

Today Fabian Wildman slithered down the stairs in his zentai (he says the tightness is comforting) asking for some honey.

I told him I'd have to go back to the shop and steal it but that if I did I wanted him to fix it for me to hump and pump the Unicorn Girl. He told me that I didn't need to use that sort of language because he knows I don't mean it or only half mean it.

I asked him what's the secret of getting girls to like you. He told me that it's not about hearts and flowers and all that bumfluff, it's about sexiness and the way he does it is sometimes he rubs spunk in his hair because the smell gets Betty Blue all excited though not too often or she'd just think he wanked and didn't wash, he says that having a big wang helps.

Then after contemplation he said that she just likes him for who he is. It sounded kind of sweet, until he said that he wasn't changing for no chicka. Which I know is pure balls because half of why him and Betty Blue are together is because she lets him eat boiled eggs out her fanny and he let's her do fuck knows what to him (I don't know but I've heard the screams).

Fabian Wildman is Sick, and I'm Sad

Being skint is even worse when you get sick, and Fabian has the sniffles. I blame that bastard Clarence for us waking up in a cold house. Anyways because he was sick and didn't want to go outside it was up to me to go out and steal him some honey and Lemsips. It's a lot different shop lifting when you're not on crack, because when I was on crack I just lifted stuff and away I went but now I'm sober I'm all paranoid and walk round the shop about ten times trying to work out who's a store detective. It's pure balls I had to go to a supermarket because they keep the lemsips behind the counter in most of the wee shops round our way.

After getting home with all my goodies I found that Betty Blue had come round to play nurse for poor Fabian. It made me all glum because she already had lemsips and honey and I just had to take Battle Cat for a long walk. I asked him if he thought I'd ever find a girlfriend. He didn't answer but then again he probably didn't understand the question.

Valentines Dud

It took me a while to realise it but the Death Owl must have been out on a Valentines date with his honey babe. Some weirdo satanist girl called Esmarelda or something spooky. It wasn't until I heard Fat Rab and Hooka blasting Angry Anderson through the walls that I clocked this. So with everyone else loved up I drank a few more beers and fell asleep. I'm lonely and nobody knows it but me: