First Day Out On The Town

It was nice to get off the sofa and out of the house today. I walked down to Victoria Square and milled about for a while slurping on a big Cafe Mocha in Costa, they do the nicest coffee in Belfast.

I'd hoped that I might sniff some residue of Lady GaGa having been here yesterday but everywhere I looked for her trace was a dead end.

I sniffed the breeze hoping to pick up her scent but in the end I left with empty hands.

Coming home I met Princess Cheetara from the Leotard Girls at the bottom of the street and walked home with her. She said that she'd seen the wee fellah (Rock and Roll Stephen) who was nutted by Napper and he had a big gummy mouth and even though it was funny she felt bad for him because he wasn't a bad looking wee fellah before.

She said that her and the Raven Princess Spandex were having trouble with their fridge and they needed someone to come and have a look at it. I told them I used to fix fridges, which is a complete lie but I was getting horny walking up the road with her and this sounded like a start to my own private porn scenario. I'm going round later and I hope to fuck it is.

Cross your fingers for me.

I learned facial expressions from watching Thomas the Tank Engine

I woke up this morning with a DVD player in my room. I must have robbed it when I was high last night. It's a bit worrying because I usually remember stuff like that. I remember walking about the Malone Road crying about Hooka because I'd woke up to her and Fat Rab playing Angry Anderson, so this meant that she wasn't interested.

I turned on the TV to check if there was anything in the news but I got worried in case Sammy Wilson might be on. I went and cleaned up Battle Cat's shit in the kitchen and went into town. No one's still seen Wino Jo. I tried to phone my other brothers to talk to them about him but none of them were answering. I wanted to tell Fabian about what happened with Hooka but he's all loved up so I don't want to bum him out.

I went into the Zaavi in the Victoria Centre looking for the Akon album because his Lonely really sums up how I feel, but if you watch the video you see that Akon is lonely because he tells his mates to fuck off because he wants to be alone. That's not exactly how I feel but it's close enough.

I couldn't see Akon's album on the shelves so I asked an assistant. He burst out laughing at me, I told him I'd break his face and see how funny he found that. For some reason I didn't stop there, I started pouring out all about Hooka and how she wanted to be with Fat Rab and how Fabian didn't wash but he could still get a girl who looked like Betty Blue to let him eat boiled eggs out her pussy and maybe he'd like to go and find the Akon album before I set fire to him and pushed him into that stand full of pish books over there and see how fucking funny he finds that.

He quickly apologised and said they didn't have Akon because he's dead popular and the minute his album comes in it's sold out in minutes. He did recommend a band called The Smiths, who he said were great for when you felt down and that he always listens to them when he needs a good cry. I bought the album and found that this song There is a Light That Never Goes Out sums up how I feel:

I slept well and woke up wishing peace man to all those around me. Pity my neighbours didn't reciprocate as they blasted The Scorpions Rock You Like a Hurricane loud as a muthafucka and were slam dancing and I could hear "BOOM BOOM BOOM" through the walls. I'd go round and tighten them up about it but they's cool in keeping their mouth shut about my drugs.

So I went into the city. I'd a headache from all the music. I don't mind the heavy metal: a bit of Phil Collins or Rod Stewart from time to time but the Rap music is my thing. Anyways I was in Victoria Centre and cops was hanging round bein' muthafuckas. I thought they might try and hassle me about being street but they was all occupied giving some kids a hard time about stealing CDs, lipstick and fake vampire teeth.

So I bought me a So Solid Crew CD and went home. Kept my neighbours up the fuck all night long. I left the CD playing on the stereo, did two lines of coke and went the fuck to bed.