Fuck this I'm going back on the crack

I confronted Hot Baby Roy today about his black eyes and asked him what he did at the party. He told me that if I was so concerned I'd have been there. I told him I had to sort out other things but I don't want our neighbours hating us and if he's done something he needs to tell me so I can put it right.

He rolled his eyes and went outside taking Battle Cat with him for a walk. He muttered something about me being a "skinny hoss bastard," and Battle Cat growled a bit at him. Glad to see he's still loyal to me.

I can't believe what a mess this whole thing's turning out. Work is shite too, I sat most of today in the disabled toilets sniffing a sharpie and trying not to cry.

I just want to get paid (tomorrow) and get some crack in me.

Getting Fired From Work

I might be getting fired from work for telling someone to smell my ring (when I came in drunk). London Girl called me into her cubicle (if she was a proper boss she'd have an office) and gave me a big officious talk about our company and how it value's customer service. I just nodded and said that it wasn't me. She said I'd find out later in the week if she was going to take it any further. If she does she might find that I've taken down some customer credit card details for when the money runs out, but by then I'll be long gone.

Up her hole.

With that Hot Baby Roy was waiting outside my house when I got home from work today. He was all excited and grinning so much I asked him if he was in pain. He said no but while he was waiting for me my neighbour went running into her house and he couldn't wait to get to know her.

I asked him did he not meet her at my birthday. He says he was too wing-wanged to be thinking about pussy but that he spoke to her while she was getting her keys out and that she teaches aerobics, which means she has lots of leotards and he'd seen Buns of Steel loads of times so he'd have lots to talk about with her.

He was salivating at the mouth so to calm him down I asked him what he wanted.

He asked if he could stay at mine for a few days because this gang was going to kick the shite out of him.

I couldn't refuse, he'd everything (including a set of shite DVDs) in a paper Primark bag.

Those Poor Shops of Belfast

We have new neighbours. I heard them moving in yesterday. Two big sweaty metallers. When I saw them move in I was so shocked I just blurted out:

"Hello Sweaty Metallers, do yous worship the devil?"

"Get fucked you spidey ballbag," one of them said flipping me da bird.

Then I explained that I wasn't judging him it was just that the peeps who used to live there were satanists.

"Do you want your shit kicked in?" he asked, thinking I was just taking the piss more.

It wouldn't have been right to slap them around the place, because I'm sure they get people saying this shit to them all the time. I went inside. I figured I'd go round another time and introduce myself properly.

Fabian came home today in tears. When I asked him what was wrong he said that he'd caught a wee kid shop lifting and called the cops, when the cops came it was the same ones that busted him last year. The cop didn't recognise him but Fabian realised there and then what a scumbag he was.

"So you're not going to catch shoplifters anymore?" I asked.

"No!" he spat. "I'm a scumbag for thieving. Those poor shops of Belfast."

One of the chairs in our kitchen has a wonky leg. If he'd been sitting on it I'd have kicked it out from under him. But as it was he was on a sturdy seat.

Big Old Plans (or new ones)

Getting off crack is exhausting work and spending a lot of Tuesday down the Lagan Meadows really took it out of me. I've been sick in bed ever since. Fabian Wildman gave me a cough bottle and made a joke about how I'm using it for its intended purpose for once.

Being in bed has given me more time to weigh up my situation. I haven't heard from any of my neighbours since but I'll take that as a good thing, for now.

Battle Cat has been up keeping my feet warm and I've been talking to him about how I'm going to stay off crack and get a job and do cool stuff. I'm not sure what yet but I'll figure it out I'm sure.

The first thing I'm going to do is burn my bedsheets because he's just pissed on them. But for now I'll have a wee snooze (no pun intended).

Sticking it to the man Part 1

Our bath is a bit fucked at the minute. It keeps shooting out rust along with the hot water so we can't have a bath. I reported this to the landlord last week and today I had only got out of bed when I heard the door. I rushed down in excitement to answer it, and only realised at the last minute that I was bollock naked.

I threw the door and stood behind it so the plumber could only see my face. Only to find it wasn't the plumber but the TV man.

"Hi our records show you don't have a license at this address," he said.
"We don't have a TV either," I said. Even though we could both hear the Neighbours theme coming from the living room.
The TV man gave me a look of disbelief.
I stood out from behind the door in all my bollock naked glory.
"You can come in and have a look if you want," I offered.
"No you're alright," he said hurrying away up the path.

Today I woke up to find a hole in my shoe. I went down to Oxfam but I didn't have enough money for crack and shoes, so I stole some trainers. When I got them home I realised they were girls. My crack dealer laughed at me. If I had another dealer to go to I'd totally shop him to the peelers.

Fat Rab and the Death Owl were up in court today for sacrificing a goat. I went down to the courthouse to check it out. The judge sat and smirked as the peelers described the dead hacked up goat in Fat Rab's house. I sat and made wanker signs at The Death Owl throughout. He drew his finger across his throat to tell me I was "so dead". I'm so going to set fire to him sometime I'm high on crack because that way I'll get off with it in court.

I think the judge is a member of the Death Owl and Fat Rab's Occult Society because he threw the case out and set them free. I was so sure the wankers were going down for this. I was pissed off. I walked home and smoked some crack and sat staring at my girls' shoes near in tears then Hooka and Fat Rab started getting down to this song all fucking night.

It isn't fair.