How To Hide From The Police

I went back round to Good King Thumpo's last night and no one answered. I broke in again and the place looked like it hadn't been touched (hard to tell with the mess though). Ma-Mutt was chained up outside looking hungry. I gave him some hard loaf off the sideboard and he yummed it up in a few mouthfuls. He still had a big hungry look on his face so I gave him a packet of Hob Nob's that were in a Spar bag along with 2 litres of milk that goes out of date tomorrow.

I went inside and back upstairs to have a better look if anything was different. There was a knock at the door. I snuck a look out the window to see it was the peelers. He was by himself. He knocked for ages. I crept to the other side of the house and looked out to make sure there weren't cops round there.

Did someone see me break in? Had someone else called the cops on Good King Thumpo and his nasty snuff loving ways? Or was the cop there on account of some other misdemeanor?

I moved slowly and quietly back into Good King Thumpo's bedroom and waited and watched the cop walk off. I waited for a while to see if he'd come back. Then I bolted out of the back door and ran the fuck home.

Where is Good King Thumpo?

70's Crimewatch Photofit Suspect

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Dole today was lots and lots of fun. Because we're all so fucking unemployed and destined to stay that way the fuckers behind the desk at the Connor Building were all smugging it up big style.

I've mentioned that The Albino and Mrs Puddinghead are particularly bad to get but another one who can be bad depending on whether or not he realises where he is is The 70's Crimewatch Photofit Suspect.

He sits and gives monosyllabic grunts and eventually comes to his senses with a start and gets you to sign for your cash.

Sometimes he sits and deep breathes at his desk as he stares at your shoulder and then disappears in the office for twenty minutes.

He came back and asked me who I was. I told him and he lifted my signing book off the desk in front of him and said - You've the same name as this guy.

"No, that's me." I said.

He handed me back my book and gave me a smile that nearly begged me to please like him. I didn't and still don't now over 10 hours later.

He'd better have put my claim though properly. Otherwise I might be asking the police to let me see some photofits from 40 years ago. I'm sure I could stitch him up even if none fit.

Gerard Taggart is a Thieving Bastard

Hot Baby Roy was sitting in tears at the kitchen table today. He said he'd been back to his old house to collect some nifty housing benefit cheques but there was none there. He had to go down to the housing benefit office to find out where they were. He was told that they had been sent out and that their records showed they had been cashed by a man called Gerard Taggart who had presented ID saying Hot Baby Roy allowed him to cash it.

Hot Baby Roy was furious and said that he hadn't given anyone his ID. It turned out this Gerard Taggart had only presented ID that said he was Gerard Taggart.

Hot Baby Roy was told he had to go to the cops and get a crime number and then he'd be able to get his money paid to him.

By the time Hot Baby Roy had all this the Housing Executive was closed so he now has to wait until Monday to get his money back.

I told him that this Gerard Taggart bastard once stole my housing benefit cheques back when I lived on a bedsit on the Lisburn Road. He's an old fucker in his fifties, looks like Nick O'Teen and has a face like a melted candle.

I told Hot Baby Roy I could point him out to him, he hangs around the Lisburn Road and Botanic Avenue in the early morning.

One time I followed him to Stranmillis but he sussed I was following him and hid in a phonebox. When I clocked where he was he bolted and I didn't see him again for months. If you read this and know him or where he is, tell people to watch him. He's a theiving bastard.

Nanny Boo Boo says Fuck the Police

I took Battle Cat down today to see Nanny Boo Boo, she was very happy to see us and said she thought we'd have been down before this.

She had lots of sausages for Battle Cat and gave him a big bowl of them with some mouldy potatoes. He was very happy to see her and ran around the garden shouting Woof! all over the show. I noticed that her garden needed weeded, so I did that for her. I know that I don't know her very well but I started to tell her all about Fabian Wildman having to move. She said that the cops were rotten bastards and she got burgled last year and the cops showed up and asked her if maybe she'd just forgot to close her door. She said,

"Yes and I forgot that I gave away my TV too."

She said she feels sorry for me and Fabian Wildman but if he moved in next door they probably would never find him.