Gerard Taggart is a Thieving Bastard

Hot Baby Roy was sitting in tears at the kitchen table today. He said he'd been back to his old house to collect some nifty housing benefit cheques but there was none there. He had to go down to the housing benefit office to find out where they were. He was told that they had been sent out and that their records showed they had been cashed by a man called Gerard Taggart who had presented ID saying Hot Baby Roy allowed him to cash it.

Hot Baby Roy was furious and said that he hadn't given anyone his ID. It turned out this Gerard Taggart had only presented ID that said he was Gerard Taggart.

Hot Baby Roy was told he had to go to the cops and get a crime number and then he'd be able to get his money paid to him.

By the time Hot Baby Roy had all this the Housing Executive was closed so he now has to wait until Monday to get his money back.

I told him that this Gerard Taggart bastard once stole my housing benefit cheques back when I lived on a bedsit on the Lisburn Road. He's an old fucker in his fifties, looks like Nick O'Teen and has a face like a melted candle.

I told Hot Baby Roy I could point him out to him, he hangs around the Lisburn Road and Botanic Avenue in the early morning.

One time I followed him to Stranmillis but he sussed I was following him and hid in a phonebox. When I clocked where he was he bolted and I didn't see him again for months. If you read this and know him or where he is, tell people to watch him. He's a theiving bastard.

Eamon and Lost Chances at Love

Do you ever think about Eamon, I've been thinking about him a lot recently. He came along talking about this girl that dissed him, and he wasn't going to let it rest where it rested. And he didn't! He wrote this song, and it called her a hoe (like a bad girl) and he was telling everyone that she had been nasty to him. I could believe in that.

Partly because I couldn't get with certain girls that I wanted, and I know that was cheap, but also because these girls went with total assholes, and in later years I thought to myself that this wasn't on, and I'm always coming back to Eamon.

I only saw the video for the first time the other day when I went on youtube thinking about how I couldn't get the girls I wanted or how they wanted some lesser guy (it's okay ladies I'm not overqualified for your love). The video is nasty. Fucking Eamon throws a pizza on the floor that he's supposedly sharing with the girl, and you can bet she had to pay for the fucking thing, what a nasty bastard, wasting food, embarrassing a girl and telling people nasty raps about her.

I'm glad she wrote a song back, at the time I viewed it as what nasty girls said to get away with being nasty, but now I'm starting to see that Eamon wasn't speaking for all men; Eamon was speaking for Eamon and his limp wang.

Fuck him.

My New Buddy

We had a bunch of new starts in work today, they were doing this thing where they sat with us on the phones for a day and we let them listen to us being professional and showing them the ropes.

Whores Bastard was among them for some reason. Me and Little My told the rest of our group about him. Book Boy says they'll let any old shite in because call centres are on the skids and it's better than putting them in jail. We all gave each other "it's not me, it's you" eyes.

The fellah I had was this wee balding eighteen year old who kept rubbing his crotch when he thought I was watching the computer screen. I asked him what his problem was and he nodded over at the twelve foot amazon sitting purring down the phone beside Kissy Boy (how does the lucky bastard do it!)

"I want to lick her legs," he said in the keenest voice I've ever heard.
"You'd have a dry tongue by the time you got to the top of them," I shrugged. I didn't want him to know I was jealous!
"I'd love a little girl of my own," he whinned, he was half in tears and openly rubbing himself down in front of me.
"She's not a little girl," I said. "You'd need a stepladder to give her a kiss."
"She could lift me up," he said. "I'd love that."
"Shut up for fucksake, people are watching us."
"I'm putting in a complaint about this," said the customer.

I hadn't hung up properly. Fuck this I'm so sick of dickheads. I told him I'd his address and if he put in a complaint he'd be getting a visit. I'd spend my last penny on the plane.

Cleaning up Bad Stranmillis

I went down to see Nanny Boo Boo today. It seems that My Protege has turned into a right wee shite and is turning Stranmillis into a violent ghetto. I told her that it's time I took to the streets and kicked his ass Equalizer style.

I went and found the bozos he hangs with. Nanny Boo Boo says he shoots dope with them. I grabbed one of them by the arm and pointed at the track marks.

"Get clean, you flithy bastard."

I nutted the bozo in the face and asked where My Protege was. A girl said that he was in hiding from my big gay ways.

I kissed her passionately so she knew what thug passion was running in my viens.

She burst into tears and said she hopes she didn't catch STDs from me, her running with her dope shooting pals.

I told her I didn't have the STDS and I wasn't going to let them turn Stranmillis into a bad dope den.

Battle Cat is Lonely

I think Battle Cat is missing Fabian Wildman. He goes up into Fabian's old room and sits and whines sometimes. I think I might get a manikin and put some of Fabian's old clothes on it so he can think it's him (because of the scent). Fabian and him were good pals and they used to hang out especially when I could be a bit neglectful of him. Poor pup, now I know how single parents feel. Fabian's a bastard. The poor pup, maybe he needs a hot bitch to take his mind off things.