Good King Thumpo Has A Plan

Hangovers are becoming the norm for me, when I wake up in the morning without one I start to realise I'm not keeping up with myself. I was wandering about the lower Lisburn Road when all I heard was:

"Tuesday Kid lad, bout ye!"

I turned to see Good King Thumpo rolling up to me all happy and with a big rottweiller saying he was out to rid the streets of tramps and Ma-Mutt was helping him in the fight. It was all a bit much with my fuzzy head. I asked him why he wanted his mutt but bite the homeless and he said that he was training up the dog on tramps because no one misses them if you go too far.

Then he started to get really excited when he said that once he was rid of the tramps he was going to start on immigrants.

Then he went for a pish in one of the phoneboxes beside Charlie's coffee shop. He gave two fingers in the window and shouted "What you looking at?" at them.

Then he asked me if I wanted to go to this really high class brothel he knew about on Botanic? No foreigners apparently.

I told him no. He looked hurt and said that we hadn't hung out in ages and he'd missed our craic.

I told him that I didn't agree with his politics and he said that I didn't seem to have a problem with it when he was out breaking the other side's legs, just cause he's now into breaking black or yellow legs suddenly I'm saying it's wrong.

He said that he needs a side to belong to but he isn't the one picking the teams.

I asked him what he was talking about and he waved a copy of some shite local tabloid. Then he made his dog sniff it and told it that it would know what was tasty when it met it.

Ma-Mutt woofed excitedly and Good King Thumpo pulled his nicest face:

"I love you too Ma-Mutt," he said.

I got a call from my brother today (not the fruitarian one, I have four in total). He is a metal-head and was telling me all about Heavy Metal. He says Rod Stewart and Phil Collins aren't heavy metal but I think that's balls. He's a nice guy though so I don't see why he'd take the piss.

Then almost as soon as I'd hung up the phone Hooka arrived at my front door to invite me to her Hallowe'en party. I didn't really feel like it because all that Satanism weirds me out but she said it was just going to be fun and games, no occult stuff so I said yes.

I didn't have anything to wear so she came up town with me to help me buy stuff. I decided to go as a Warlock in the end. I got a big silver beard and a blue cape. I also bought a wand out of the jokeshop on Botanic. We were walking up the street with it pretending to hex or charm people depending on what we thought they deserved. We'd only gotten as far as Molly's Yard when it stopped making the cool spell sound.

We took it back to the shop but the guy refused to let us change it for a good one.

"You bought it as you saw it," the guy said with a shrug.

"You better change this for us, or I'll come back here with a real one," Hooka threatened him.

She looked a bit scary, standing there shaking it at him with her big wild eyes and frizzy blonde hair.

He quietly and quickly got us a new one. Hooka's pretty cool, even if she's a wee bit scary.

Hope the party is cool fun.