When Ex-Girlfriend's Get Married

Fabian Wildman called round today. He was in a bad way. He was crying and his eyes were all bloodshot from smoking loads of crack. I couldn't make sense of him at first so I let him sleep it off on my couch.

When he came round I took him out into the garden with cups of tea to find out what was up. I thought it was going to be some crackhead weird stuff but he said that Betty Blue was home from Uni and he ran into her. I thought it was going to be a story of them rekindling their old romance (all thanks to the litres of spunk Fabian rubs into his hair) but he said that she told him she was getting married to some guy called Kiss Man.

I asked if he meant Kissy Boy, and he said that was his old name but now he calls himself Kiss Man, or if he doesn't like you, Mr Kiss. Fabian started crying and saying that how come it's always his exes and never him who gets married? I asked what other exes of his were married and he said some girl before he knew me. She wasn't just some girl, their break-up was what started him on crack, or maybe him started crack was what caused the break-up, he wasn't sure. He remembers it different ways depending on what suits, he said.

He said at the wedding he sat outside the church on a motorcycle smoking tobacco cigarettes and playing this song on a ghetto blaster



Except that it wasn't him who made the stupid mistake it was her for leaving him.

He sat crying on his motorcycle throughout the service and when the bride and groom came out at the end everyone threw confetti at them, except him, he flicked a fag butt at them and sped off into the sunset, with the song still playing.

He said he was going to do it again when Betty Blue marries Kiss Man because he's so unhappy about it and he won't stop there, he'll get a job as a waiter at the reception and trash fuck out of the place before anyone even gets there and he'll hide inside the crack and jump out of it at the fuckers and headbutt Kiss Man right in the fucking face just so Betty Blue has to look at an ugly bastard all her married life.

Grinba Gunns is a rotten thieving bastard

I ran into an old pal from my crackhead days today, a wanker called Grinba Gunns. He's still on crack and looks like a stick man. He said that someone asked him last week if he was anorexic and he said - no, but thanks. Dickhead.

What I remember most about Grinba is that he was a bit of a computer wiz and used to cheat people out of their cash with some paypal scam he had going. What a rotten bastard. I know I used to break into people's houses and rob from shops but most of his victims were well meaning people trying to sell stuff on gumtree and he used to get their money with his rotten bastard technique.

I asked him why hadn't I seen him in a long time and he said that he'd had to flee the country because the cops were after him for his hi-tech crimes. I told him that I'd heard it was because he used to like sticking glass rods in his japs eye and one of them snapped and he had to get his dick sliced open and sewn up again. He winced but said that this was a lie and he'd like to know who said it. I told him it was Good King Thumpo, even though it wasn't and he's probably dead. I asked him if I could have his email address just to keep touch and he wrote it down for me.

ggunns1@yahoo.co.uk

I haven't put that there for you to give him abuse. It's just incase you're trying to sell stuff online and the rotten bastard tries to fraud you.