Sleepwalking Underwear Thief

So I was lying in bed last night trying to sleep after a hard week's work when I hear Hot Baby Roy open his room door and shuffle off down the stairs. He's walking funny by the sound of things so I go out and follow him. I catch him in a pair of tatty blue y-fronts heading towards the back door with one eye open.

"Hot Baby Roy, get back here now."

"I'm sleepwalking," he says turning round. He'd this look on his face like he was so innocent of whatever it was I was blaming him for but Fabian Wildman used to sleepwalk so I now what proper sleepwalking looks like. I told him so.

"Don't blame me because Fabian Wildman fucked off with a gang of snobby pricks, there was a time you'd have been over that fence the day after they'd moved in."

"I don't want to be sitting wearing stolen panties on my head," I told him. "I want a girl of my own, so I can do this stuff without anyone calling the police. Maybe you should try that too, instead of fucking it up for yourself. Running around with DVDs full of barely legal girls, catch a fucking grip."

"I don't watch them for the girls," he said. "I watch them because they express a naive but touching view of love, as something to get excited and giggle about with your mates. Not some tough strained life crushing series of events that leaves you fucked up and bitter. I want to believe, there's nothing wrong with that."

This sounds suspect, especially because it's coming from a grown man who's just faked sleepwalking to get his hands on some girl's clean knickers.

New-ish Neighbours

Hot Baby Roy keeps talking about going round to see the "leotard girls" next door, and the last thing I want is them to meet him and him get the cops called. He's already talking about when they put their washing out he's going over the backyard fence to get some of it. I've told him he's out if he does but I go to bed a lot earlier than him so I can't keep watch all the time.

So I went round there myself to say hi, even though they've been there over a month.

They were very friendly and invited me in. Not a leotard in sight, though they are very beautiful. I now saw why Hot Baby Roy can't keep his mouth shut about them.

They asked if Hot Baby Roy lived with me. I said it's a temporary thing and they said it was nice of me to look after him. I think they meant in a carer sense but I didn't ask for clarification. It's his own fault the way he screws his face up and it goes red and he hops about like he's trying not to piss himself every time he talks about them.

By the sounds of things every guy on the street has come sniffing round them looking for a date even old Mr. Spoon, who asked if they wanted a glass of his burdock wine.

I didn't ask them out, not because I didn't want to but because I'm skint until my wages come in. Then I went home and salivated with Hot Baby Roy, I still won't let him steal things off their washing line though.