In The Death Owl's House

I broke into the Death Owl's today. I went round and knocked his door and waited for hours but he never showed up.

I went round the back of the house and bust in. It was easy enough done. Houses round the Holy Lands are made out of plywood and spit.

Fabian's old room has loads of pictures pinned to the wall of him sleeping and a really freaky one of Mr Ponti, Fat Rab and The Death Owl all round his bed while he's lying sleeping. I don't know who took it. I hope to fuck it wasn't Hooka.

I bust into the Death Owl's room. There was nothing in it but a sleeping bag on the floor. A stack of old dusty books (probably grimoires) and a wardrobe.

I looked in the wardrobe and found loads of pairs of black robes in it and a spool of rope.

I turned round to see that he'd stuck loads of strips of paper above where he has his sleeping bag with all these motivational phrases like: "don't waste your time on people who don't give a shit about you", "this is the first day of the rest of your life" and, this one I had to read twice to make sure I hadn't imagined it "you'll meet a lot of dickheads in your life, but it's worth it to meet that one really special person". I felt a wee bit sorry for him. I took another look at his stack of books and saw that most of them were self help books: "Fear is the Friend of Exceptional People," "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway".

All that weird, scary satanic stuff started to make a bit more sense, and if he hadn't been such a dick to me and Fabian I might have wanted to be a bit nicer to him.

I left the house and decided to break the news to Fabian. He wasn't there. He's been staying at Betty Blue's since they got back last night.

OG Loc of the Holylands

When Fabian got back yesterday I didn't have the heart to give him the summons. he was taking Betty Blue off for a romantic weekend. I don't know how he was able to afford it but he said that since he's quit crack and not stopped stealing he's got a nice wee packet tucked away.

Once he left I locked Battle Cat in the kitchen and went round to The Death Owl's with a bottle of vodka. I sat outside on the doorstep for hours and drank the bottle. I was going to smash the bottle over his face. One of his neighbours came out and asked me what I wanted. I told him I was going to kick fuck out of The Death Owl when he came home.

He told me I shouldn't mess with The Death Owl because he was a wierdo satanist and at night he could be heard cackling and going over a load of mumbo jumbo.

I told him I was friends with Fabian Wildman who used to live there. He said Fabian was a no good druggy bastard. I told him Fabian was off the crack now and that he wants to get a job.

He said he hadn't a job either but that he had bought decks and he wanted to get lethal on them so he could play at a rave club. He asked me if I wanted to hear him. He took me in and played a mix of beats. I thought he was bollocks. He started doing all this freestyle rap which was arse bisuits.

It was all:

"yo fly homies, I'm so lonely
got me a gun, gonna shoot yer mum,
my shit ain't wack even though I'm not black,
what yo ass think of that?"

I told him he should hire someone else to do the rap but the beats were good.

Then he started into another freestyle just to show I was wrong:

"One day I'll be on top-o-tha-pops
living my dreams cause they don't stop
you'll be smokin crack wit yo druggy mate
and whinnin about how yo life ain't great.
Are you digging my fly rhymes homie?"

I told him he was the greatest rapper I'd ever heard. He told me he couldn't wait for the next election because he voted DUP and was going to do a song to help Sammy Wilson get re-elected. I eyed him suspiciously because if he likes that daemon then he may be in league with The Death Owl. I make my goodbyes and thanked him for his knowledge (see raps) and left. Then I went to the shop and got a permanent marker and wrote OG Loc on his front door. Then I put the empty vodka bottle through The Death Owl's front window and legged it up the fucking road.