The Hallowe'en party was balls.

It started well, with lots of slam dancing and drinking beer and everyone having good crack (not the sort I smoke in my pipe, he he). I was getting on well with Hooka and it looked like things were really going my way as we were slow dancing to Evanescence. All of a sudden Fat Rab and The Death Owl came flying in with a big "SURPRISE!" just as I was sticking the lips on Hooka.

They fucking went mental, with her screaming about how I was a sexist "just cause a woman's being nice to you blah blah blah" and Fat Rab screaming about curses and Satan. The Death Owl was wabbing it about in the background like he was doing an incantation.

Turns out the wankers got out on remand and wanted to surprise everyone.

Firstly I'd told The Death Owl to cut that shit out or I'd set more than his toenails on fire. Then I told Fat Rab that I'd met Daemons while smoking crack and wasn't scared of them, so he could do his worst. Then I looked at Hooka. She looked angry but her expression softened and she looked like she might cry. I just shrugged and walked out of the party.

They started it all up again with Rod Stewart's Baby Jane. How apt? I turned to see Hooka and Fat Rab kissing. I went home and burst into tears.

I got a call from my brother today (not the fruitarian one, I have four in total). He is a metal-head and was telling me all about Heavy Metal. He says Rod Stewart and Phil Collins aren't heavy metal but I think that's balls. He's a nice guy though so I don't see why he'd take the piss.

Then almost as soon as I'd hung up the phone Hooka arrived at my front door to invite me to her Hallowe'en party. I didn't really feel like it because all that Satanism weirds me out but she said it was just going to be fun and games, no occult stuff so I said yes.

I didn't have anything to wear so she came up town with me to help me buy stuff. I decided to go as a Warlock in the end. I got a big silver beard and a blue cape. I also bought a wand out of the jokeshop on Botanic. We were walking up the street with it pretending to hex or charm people depending on what we thought they deserved. We'd only gotten as far as Molly's Yard when it stopped making the cool spell sound.

We took it back to the shop but the guy refused to let us change it for a good one.

"You bought it as you saw it," the guy said with a shrug.

"You better change this for us, or I'll come back here with a real one," Hooka threatened him.

She looked a bit scary, standing there shaking it at him with her big wild eyes and frizzy blonde hair.

He quietly and quickly got us a new one. Hooka's pretty cool, even if she's a wee bit scary.

Hope the party is cool fun.

I was walking about all day wondering where I could buy some good crack. I could have went round to Fabian Wildman's but I doubt he'll let me sponge more off him. That plus I get creeped out by The Death Owl.

I sat up in Cranmore park hoping some kids would come along so I could steal their hash. I had been there four lonely hours and it was getting dark when a wee fat kid done up with a big pumpkin head came along, all dressed up for Hallowe'en.

"Trick or Treat?" he says.

"Smell my feet," I answered.

"Suck my dick," he says waddling off.

Cheeky wee bastard. He's too small to hit a clash so I just gave him the fingers. I nearly burst into tears. I started thinking about what it was like being a kid and going door to door getting money for Hallowe'en. I don't know how I got from there to here, and I wondered if I could pinpoint the exact dates and times that were most important in bringing me here. Strange to think that some days are just a normal day and not much will happen, but other days will change your life. And if you could have known they would before you got out of bed would you have just stayed there?

I started thinking of the lines of that Tegan and Sara song - Dark, you can't come soon enough for me.

How right they were, because when it got fully dark I went and broke into a house (not saying where but it was one of those snobby ones up the Lisburn Road) and stole some valium.

This will help me sleep. Sweet dreams - of walking through fields of poppies with Hermione Granger and her breath is warm, and smells like sleep. And she'll take me deeper and deeper, making me feel more magic than any crack pipe ever could.

Sorry, the valium is kicking in.