Friday, 16 August 2013

When The Past Catches Up To You #1 - Dodgy CVs

I'm nearly two years out of Northern Ireland. Only yesterday I got an email from a recruitment agency in Belfast offering me work in Newry. This was my first offer from them. Now I'm bound to have given them my CV at least two years ago. Rather than bang on about all the mawfucking bullshit feelings I felt here's the exchange of emails:


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From: Cunt Head badcuntjobs
.co.uk>;
To: Tuesday Kid <tuesdaykid@yahoo.co.uk>;
Subject: URGENT: Call Centre Roles in Newry
Sent: 15 Aug 2013, 14:32


Dear Bad Cunt Jobs Sucker

Our Newry-based client is seeking call advisors for a period of at least 2 months.

The rate of pay is £7.50 - £8.50 per hour.

If you are interested in this or know someone who may be, please call me at Cunt Head Jobs on 028 90 55555.


Thanks,
Cunt Head
Head Cunt
Bad Cunt Jobs Limited

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From: Tuesday Kid [mailto:Tuesdaykid@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: 15 August 2013 14:54
To: Cunt Head
Subject: Re:URGENT: Call Centre Roles in Newry


Call centre work? WOO HOO! I can't wait to get me into that call centre and call up every mawfucka in the country to get screamed at and called a bastard. Oh wait, on second thoughts stick your badly paid job offer so far up your arse you make Goatse look like a prude. Then dance around covered in whatever your arm brings with it on its way out your doot.

Oh and by the way, I wouldn't go to Newry even if it was renamed Fun City and someone promised me a go on a bouncy castle.



From: Cunt Head ;
To: Tuesday Kid
Subject: RE: RE: URGENT: Call Centre Roles in Newry
Sent: 15 August 2013 15:11

Tuesday Kid

I'm too busy for all that so I don't think I'll bother.

Toodles,

Cunt Head

P.s. BTW bitchin' blog.



From: Tuesday Kid ;
To: Cunt Head ;
Subject: RE: RE: RE: URGENT: Call Centre Roles in Newry
Sent: 15 August 2013 16:21



Thanks mawfucka.

Help me out here Cunt Head man. I'm looking for something REAL GANGSTA! Have you any jobs for a GANGSTA like me? Something where I can drive a fancy car and smoke cuban cigars. Thug life, ken wot I mean pal?
Sent from Yahoo! Mail on Android


From: Cunt Head ;
To: Tuesday Kid ;
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: URGENT: Call Centre Roles in Newry
Sent: 15 August 2013 16:22

Right Tuesday Kid you bastard. My dad is in the illuminati and you are fucked sire. Pure fucked.


From: Tuesday Kid ;
To: Cunt Head ;
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: URGENT: Call Centre Roles in Newry
Sent: 15 August 2013 16:40

I just dangled one of your mawfucka dad's goon's out the window. Do you want to come over here and settle this with our fists or have you anything else up your sleeve?


From: Cunt Head ;
To: Tuesday Kid ;
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: URGENT: Call Centre Roles in Newry
Sent: 15 August 2013 16:41

I DO! YOUR[sic] BARRED FOR LIFE! FROM BAD CUNT JOBS!




From: Tuesday Kid ;
To: Cunt Head ; Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: URGENT: Call Centre Roles in Newry
Sent: 15 August 2013 17:00

I already have a job.