Friday, 30 November 2012

A wee short story I wrote a while ago

One day Vladamir Punk was sitting in Regents Park crying on and off like the rain which stopped and started and confused Londoners attempting to wear suitable clothes for the weather, and even the ones unsure about carrying umbrellas at this time of year - an unnecessary burden added to an already heavy load that all Londoners always carry. Vladamir was crying because it was his lunch break. He had one hour to cry himself out before going back to his office and assuming a mask of confidence and capability. This wasn't the reason Vladamir was crying, but the reason why he was crying at this particular time.

A child walked up to Vladamir and offered him his helium filled balloon. Vladamir nodded a thank you as he took the string from the small boy. The small boy smiled. He had instinctively known that Vladamir needed the joy of the balloon more than himself, who had already had much fun with it.

Suddenly Vladamir let go of the string and the balloon floated off like the often crushed dreams of Mills and Boon readers.

'Now fuck off,' Vladamir said to the small boy, giving him the fingers to underline the message. The small boy ran off crying. Vladamir laughed his first genuine laugh of the day. It was different from the forced hiccups he bestowed on his co-workers when they delivered their feeble attempts at humour.

Vladamir was crying because today he had to break up with his girlfriend. She had told him last night that she was unhappy, but not unsatisfied, with their sex life. She said Vladamir was a brute who must change his ways.

Vladamir seduced her with a basket of fresh lobster and a bottle of pink champagne. Then, once drunk and horny, he subjected her to his nightly foreplay ritual; namely, trying a 10 by 8 photograph of his mother to her head and pissing on her, as she lay on the floor moaning 'How did I let you talk me into this again Vladamir you bastard.'

Vladamir had walked the streets until morning. Then he munched on a pop-pack of pro-plus and stormed off to work.

The house would be empty when Vladamir returned home. Vladamir would have to whip himself with a leather belt until he broke the skin, just to have a sly wank, and he would wank over his departed girlfriend; a woman so callow I cannot bear to put her name here. We should forget her, as Vladamir will soon do. Totally and forever.