Things You Find On The Job Centre Website

And she did accept my kinky ways. So I texted her the other night after I came home from Nanny Boo Boo's and the next day I sat at work waiting for her to text me back. Work is shit at the moment. Betty Blue is leaving at the end of the week to go back to universtiy. Kissy Boy is saying that they're going to go out long distance but I can't see it happening. I'd say Kissy Boy will fuck half of Belfast the week she leaves.

They're laying people off. The contract is having problems, they don't think it'll be renewed. The bosses are so strict. I'm behind on my stats but to be honest if there was somewhere else to leave I'd go. I keep checking the online job centre and there's fuck all but kissogram and part time scrotum lickers.

I went home via the off-licence and bought a bottle of pink champaigne. I was going to go for a long walk up out into the countryside and get pure fucked. Instead I went home and put some figure hugging spandex on. Then I heard the door. I slipped on a scabby old tracksuit over the top and went to answer it.

It was The Punchbowl Girl. She had a backpack on her shoulder. I thought it was probably full of stuff I'd given her that she was going to give back but then I remembered that what I'd given her would fill her balled fist.

"Why did you leave the party?" she asked.

"I was embarrassed at what had been said about me."

"So is it true?"

"Yes, it is," I nodded.

"Well in that case, I've stuff in this bag you'll like."

I invited her in and it turns out she had a big bag of spandex all for me, pink stuff, green stuff, blue stuff, all out of the fetish pages of your da's magazine collection in the roofspace. I'm not going to tell you what happened the rest of the evening other than to make smug sounds that teenagers do in school when they're talking about who did what to whom at the previous night's school disco (or thereabouts).

Hypertension, dog walking and spandex (not at the same time)

I went down to see Nanny Boo Boo tonight because Hot Baby Roy was out with Hot Firey Love Lady (shit I forgot to say that they got back together after he explained that he felt humiliated with the first beating and that he was only learning Karate to defend himself but he's been used to reading about the violence so much that both Mother of Bowling Ball and Clarence being there made him go red and he was going to open a can of whoop-ass but left the can opener at home. It worked - yay for him).

Nanny Boo Boo told me that it was going to come out sooner or later. I said I wanted it to come out later but that wee bastard let things out of the bag. Nanny Boo Boo said that I just had to let her make her own mind up about it. The wee fellah may be a dick but he might have done me a favour if it gets me some spandex love.

She said that she had been to the doctors after taking a funny turn when her and Fabian Wildman were in the garden (she said it wasn't as dramatic as she makes it sound but Fabian insisted she was going to the doctor about it). She's been told that she needs to cut back on the alcohol and cakes (even though Nanny Boo Boo is not in any way fat) and take some regular exercise.

I asked her if she'd like to take Battle Cat for a walk with me sometime. She said that she'd like that because she doesn't get to have as much time with him as she used to. She said she could even take him for walks herself because she knows that I don't have as much time as I used to now I'm at work, and I'll have even less when that girl accepts my kinky ways.

Tonight Was a Disaster/ Dreams of Spandex are So Very Far Away

So me and The Punchbowl Girl went to this party on Monday night. I was all set to be there acting all cool and saying "this is my girlfriend"/ "have you met my girlfriend"/ "my girlfriend likes that film but I haven't seen it yet" (you get the idea).

On walking in I was surprised to find that I didn't know anyone. It was full of new students at Queens who were out partying for their freshers week. This was great because I could be that guy with a girlfriend (I've had girlfriends before, loads but if you've been following this blog long you'll know I've had a dry run).

Anyway I'm having a good time and The Punchbowl Girl is having a great time and she's telling me this really funny story about getting fired and how she had phoned the work sickline the week before and left a message giving a real sob sob excuse but didn't press the hang up button on her mobile and was dancing around her room singing a song about how she wasn't going to work with a hangover and it was a shit job anyway before she realised it was still recording. Then she left another message saying it was a joke and she'd be in for her shift.

She'd just finished when My Protege walked into the room.

"Tuesday Kid, I haven't seen you in ages, what's the craic?" he said.
I didn't get a chance to answer him before his mate went:

"That's that gay fucker who wears women's swimsuits. He's so gay!"

My Protege elbowed him in the ribs and said, "he's not gay he's a transvestite. What he does in private is his own business."

Then his mate started some rant all about how his da used to wear his mum's clothes and she split up with him because he was a weirdo and he's in jail now.

"You're da's in jail for kicking two blokes fuck in," My Protege said. "That's as macho as you get."

Everyone was staring at me by this stage and probably trying to picture me in the Baywatch outfit. Including The Punchbowl Girl who asked if I did.

I said no and that the only swimsuit I wore was a pair of Speedos. My Protege tried to fix things more by  telling stories about how I'd been a great influence on him and taught him how to be a man. Everyone listening knew fine rightly that the spandex stories were true.

I went to the toilet and thought about how I'm going to find that wee prick down Stranmillis and turn his ass into toast. I went back into the party and told The Punchbowl Girl that I'd a headache and I was going to go home because I've barely drank anything and I'd boked my ring up in the bogs. She knew I was making an excuse but she said she'd text me. She has but I haven't replied yet.

Fuck this.

Tonight Will Be Fine

Hot Baby Roy is out now to see Hot Firey Love Lady. She wants to talk about the weekend and what happened. I hope it works out. Hot Baby Roy feels terrible about it but I'm not sure if it's because she's upset with him or because he had his ass kicked for a second time in front of her.

The Punchbowl Girl has asked me out to a party tonight so I can meet some of her mates. I hope it goes okay. I hope there's not some typical Belfast blast from the past waiting to knee me in the proverbial balls.* I hope that in the words of Leonard Cohen (a favourite of The Punchbowl Girl's) "Tonight will be fine, will be fine, will be fine, will be fine."

*In Belfast everyone knows everyone else so when you meet someone new they always know people you know (and don't want to see anymore) or worse people you've fucked over (or fucked up).

When I went to kick everyone's ass I didn't leave the house

So I tried to get Hot Baby Roy to clean himself up a bit before he took me round to where Mother of Bowling Ball lived. He was saying no no, and that he didn't want to make things any worse. I asked him how it could be any worse. He's been beat up and dumped.

He said that both Clarence and Mother of Bowling Ball were at Hot Firey Love Lady's house waiting for me to show up. So they could break my bones.

I asked him what the fuck had happened.

He said that him and Hot Firey Love Lady were just chilling out when Mother of Bowling Ball and Clarence Pishflap came in. Clarence Pishflap was making dicky remarks about him and how he was a pervert with a suspect film collection. He told Clarence to fuck off or he'd be sorry. Then Mother of Bowling Ball laughed and told him that he should sit and take his slagging because he was in no position to act the hard man. He knew because he'd had a fight with him and sometimes still laughs about how easy it was to win.

Hot Baby Roy jumped up and told him that he wasn't going to be laughing about this. Then he tried some of his Karate from a book that he'd been learning. And when he shouted key-eye! Mother of Bowling Ball blocked his punch and nutted him in the face. Then him and Clarence started laying in the digs. Hot Firey Love Lady split the whole thing up and told Mother of Bowling Ball she'd get him kicked out this time but Mother of Bowling Ball said that he was just defending himself.

Hot Firey Love Lady asked Hot Baby Roy to leave because she didn't think he was into violence but she's not sure she can look at him in the same way again after what he did, or tried to do.

I told him that me and him were going to break some legs. I could take both Mother of Bowling Ball and Clarence Pishflap out with brow slaps but he started crying even more and telling me that I'd ruin his chances of getting back with Hot Firey Love Lady if I did. I told him that it didn't even sound like he was definately dumped.

This really puzzled hopeful look came across his face and I told him that I wouldn't go round there now as long as he gave me the address and was okay about me breaking Mother of Bowling Ball's legs at a later date.

He said he'd like that.

I also asked if I could teach him how to fight because Karate from a book works only in the book.

He said he'd like that too.

Then I bought us some beers and we talked long into the night about the kicking I was going to teach him to give Clarence Pishflap but Mother of Bowling Ball was going to be mine.

I'm going to give someone a good kicking

Hot Baby Roy just walked in the door with blood pissing out of his face. He says Mother of Bowling Ball did it to him and Hot Firey Love Lady has dumped him. I don't know what the fuck has happened but I'm going to knock that grunge bastard's head off.

How To Hide From The Police

I went back round to Good King Thumpo's last night and no one answered. I broke in again and the place looked like it hadn't been touched (hard to tell with the mess though). Ma-Mutt was chained up outside looking hungry. I gave him some hard loaf off the sideboard and he yummed it up in a few mouthfuls. He still had a big hungry look on his face so I gave him a packet of Hob Nob's that were in a Spar bag along with 2 litres of milk that goes out of date tomorrow.

I went inside and back upstairs to have a better look if anything was different. There was a knock at the door. I snuck a look out the window to see it was the peelers. He was by himself. He knocked for ages. I crept to the other side of the house and looked out to make sure there weren't cops round there.

Did someone see me break in? Had someone else called the cops on Good King Thumpo and his nasty snuff loving ways? Or was the cop there on account of some other misdemeanor?

I moved slowly and quietly back into Good King Thumpo's bedroom and waited and watched the cop walk off. I waited for a while to see if he'd come back. Then I bolted out of the back door and ran the fuck home.

Where is Good King Thumpo?

Does Real Snuff Exist?

After the reactions to yesterday's post. I started to think that I did have a responsibility to do something. I was thinking about it all day yesterday and couldn't really sleep last night. The Punchbowl Girl asked me what was wrong so I told her. She said that she thought he was talking shit but she'd been thinking about it too.

That made my mind up for me. I woke up early today and went round to talk to him. Good King Thumpo lives in a shitty wee terrace on a street off Sandy Row. I've only every been there once years ago. I couldn't rightly remember which house was his until I saw Ma-Mutt chained up in his garden. I jumped the fence and knocked on his door. Ma-Mutt growled at me but I Crocodile Dundeed him into silence.

There was no answer from the house so I bust in (still have the knack). The place was a mess. Good King Thumpo lives on his own and the only thing in the kitchen that let you know it was a kitchen was the cooker, he didn't even have a fridge (which explained all the nasty moudly food on the work tops). What he did have was a load of half dismantled microwaves, TVs and a Motorbike. A walk round the other rooms showed the same thing. His bedroom was full of weightlifting equipment (surprisingly no signs of steroid needles) and Geoff Thompson books about how to violent maim people who are attacking you and which is the best room in the house to hide weapons (incase someone breaks in). Scary shit. But he wasn't anywhere in the house. I waited until I had no choice but to head off to work.

I'm not calling the cops, I'm not a tout. Not unless there's some evidence he's telling the truth.

When Your Girlfriend Meets Your "Friends" for The First Time

The Punchbowl Girl met Hot Baby Roy last night, and he couldn't have been better. No embarrassing stories, no mentions of suspect teenage films that he wanted us to watch. No, instead he talked about how him and Hot Firey Love Lady had went to Burbon a few nights ago and how he recommends we go there. Then when The Punchbowl Girl asked him where he worked instead of talking about how he hasn't worked in years he said that he's between things but has a job interview for managing a store later in the week and that he's very hopeful.

He told me on the sly that he's made up his entire work history and that Hot Firey Love Lady is down as a reference and she'll lie for him no sweat.

Then he went to meet Hot Firey Love Lady.

Not every meeting with people I know has went so smoothly. We bumped into Good King Thumpo earlier and he was foaming at the mouth about how he couldn't wait to go tomorrow to make his snuff movie. He'd found some guys out in the countryside through Gumtree and that they were all set to make immigrant snuff with him.

He ran off home saying he was going to have a practice on the punchbag and sharpen his saw up.

I hope something goes wrong.

Not Planning On Quitting, Still...

I can tell my updates are going to get more and more sporadic. Not just because I'm now in a relationship but also because there's isn't so much funny/strange/violent stuff happening now, or at least stuff I want to be more than an in-joke between me and The Punchbowl Girl.

The spandex is for now hidden in the roofspace, my enemies are out of reach for the time being or licking their wounds, and even Hot Baby Roy has been calmed by his other, better half.

Don't despair I've no intentions to stop, it just might happen gradually after this.

The Suicide Diaries - No 4

Here's another squiggle of shit from that silly book:

World Peace Anthem

When we get world peace it's hear to stay,
I'll fight anyone who tries to get in it's[sic] way.
Bush was a mutherfucker
but Obama is black
he know what it feels like to be under attack
take it back
take the war back
the war in Iraq
stick it in your fucking arses
I'll never join the army
I'd sooner draw the dole.
World Peace makes me wanna lose control
we fight so hard but the blood never stops
Get in the ring corporate fucking America.
We're gonna fight for world peace.
It's gonna rock

How Do You Meet Justin Bieber

I told Hot Baby Roy yesterday about my meeting with Clarence Pishflap. He said that Hot Firey Love Lady's met Clarence already and thinks he's a pishflap. He'd been round her house because he knows Mother of Bowling Ball.

I suppose it makes sense because I keep forgetting how everyone in Belfast knows everyone else. The only reason I met Mother of Bowling Ball is because he was at a party with Betty Blue's mates. And Clarence hangs around with The Unicorn Girl, and Betty Blue said he used to go out with Sandcastles.

Hot Baby Roy laughed his hole off when I said this. He said their relationship was little more than a horny girl fed up with frozen cucumbers. He had shagged her a few times and told her he wanted a relationship. Sandcastles couldn't be arsed with his whining so she said yes but then one time Clarence took him round to her house it was awkward as fuck. They barely spoke for over an hour. Then Clarence went to the toilet and she started asking him if he liked her legs. He said that he didn't want to insult her so he said yes. Then she told him that he could rub them if he wanted, and to hang around after Clarence left. Hot Baby Roy thought he was going to get his hole but Clarence had been on the other side of the door listening to the whole thing. He burst in all Hercule Poirot. Aha!

And that's why they're not friends anymore.

I asked him how he met Clarence. He said he'd thrown a party at his a few years ago when he lived with his parents. He invited a load of people he didn't really know because the object of the party was for him to make new buddies. He was having a wild time when the party started swinging but because of all the booze he'd drank he needed to have a big pish. So when he went to drain cyclops in the bog he heard funny noises coming from his parent's room.

He went in and found Clarence rummaging through his mum's underwear drawer. He turned around all startled.

"I'm not wanking," Clarence shouted.

Then they became friends.

People You Meet When It's Raining

The Punchbowl Girl was working yesterday so I was all on my lonesome. I went for a walk but it was pissing down so I stopped in at The Empire for a beer. I was just sitting supping away and flicking through The Suicide Diaries for something to laugh at/read to my girlfriend.

When Clarence Pishflap wandered over with his Taboo and lemonade.

"So Tuesday Kid, I hear you've finally got your hole."
"How dare you speak about my lady like that?" I asked.
"How dare I? How dare I? Listen I'm going to fuck things up for you with her. Just like you fucked things up for me with The Unicorn Girl, you and that ginger halfwit dicking around talking shit and acting up so I could never make my move and now we're in the fucking "friends zone"."
"Hot Baby Roy has a girlfriend too now."
"Don't think I don't know it. I'll fuck it up for the pair of you. I'll tell those dolls all about your crack addiction, and your cross dressing and your rotten pish drinking ways."
"I never drank any pish, and as for The Unicorn Girl, that was your move to make. If you wanted to fanny around like a sappy bastard and fucked it up for yourself that's your own fault. She's a nice girl, you should take being friends."
"You rotten bastard..."

I didn't let him finish. I threw the arse end of my beer at his crotch soaking it. Now he had to leave or face everyone thinking he'd pished himself in the midst of all his excited ranting.

I bought another drink and finished it in peace.

My New Favourite Song

Last night I had The Punchbowl Girl back at mine. One great thing is that she loves Battle Cat and he thinks she's great. She met him last week briefly when she stayed over but yesterday was the first time they hung out properly.

He doesn't do tricks but he did give her his paw and didn't hump her leg. He sits when we're having a chat with a big doggy grin on his face.

Hot Baby Roy was at Hot Firey Love Lady's so we had the house to ourselves.

Anyways I took her up into my room and she was going through my CDs. She gave a giggle but quickly apologised when she saw all the So Solid Crew and Akon and old crap that I don't really listen to any more. She said that she thought I was into Tom Waits and stuff like that. I told her I was into that but really I just downloaded it onto my laptop because I didn't buy CDs any more (go on the pirates). I thought about showing her the mix CD I found earlier in the year and saying it was mine but then I came up with a better idea and showed her some of the cool stuff I like now on youtube then she showed me a cool song she liked and before you knew it we were having a youtube party. The Punchbowl Girl put this song on near the end and I have to say I've found my new favourite song:

drinking your own urine to survive

I went down to Nanny Boo Boo's last night and brought Battle Cat and bottles of wine. We got very trashed and I told her all about my romance with The Punchbowl Girl and she said that she sounds a bit loopy but she likes that I'm happy with her and I'll have to bring her for a visit.

She said she could throw a party and I could invite Fabian Wildman's ex-girlfriend too but tell her to leave her new boyfriend at home. I didn't want to tell her that I barely speak

I asked her why I hadn't seen Fabian Wildman since I saved his ass. She said he was embarrassed about the whole thing and even worse he had to go to casualty because he was feeling sick and had was looking all yellow. The did a blood test and said that he had too many toxins in him that you get from your pee. He made up some excuse about drinking a bottle of wine someone had left out on the street and that he thought it had tasted of piss. I'd have just told them the truth or half of it.

The whole thing made him catch himself on something serious and now he's out staying in a shack in the countryside to get clean. Hopefully he'll manage it this time.

How to Learn Karate by Yourself

The Punchbowl Girl has already found herself some temp work waitressing. It's shit money, shit hours and not enough of them but she doesn't plan on doing it long.

I was in work giving the bosses the death stares. They didn't care. It seems a few people were laid off. I'm surprised I wasn't one of them. It wasn't the same on break today. I ate a packet of Rolo's and drank rank tea with powdered milk. Not the same at all.

The Punchbowl Girl is working tonight so I'm off down Nanny Boo Boo's with a bottle of vodka because I haven't seen her in long enough.

Hot Baby Roy was in his bedroom shouting KEY-EYE! all morning. I wondered what the fuck was up so I went for a nosy. He's learning karate from a book and there's lots of suspect pictures of some dude and his mate waving their arms around in Mataland tracksuits.

I asked him what did key-eye mean and he said it was something to scream at his enemies to scare the willies out of them.

I told him the only thing the book was good for was learning sexy ways of feeling up Hot Firey Love Lady. He looked a bit downhearted when I said this and turned his back to me.

He knows if he gives me the address I'll go round and kick Mother of Bowling Ball through a wall.

How to Find a Job Quickly

The Punchbowl Girl was round mine last night and no I'm not going into details, other than to say that I had to find a place to hide my spandex collection because I think it's a bit early days for her to find that out. I think spandex isn't so grunge, more 80s hair metal.

                               Spandex - It's about how it feels.

This morning she had a phonecall from the agency saying that she wasn't to go into work today. I had the day off too so I took her into Belfast to cheer her up.

She says she's lucky because she's going to have enough for this month's rent so she'll have a few weeks to find a new job. She says there's an agency she can get some temp bar work with.

I like her attitude, she sounds like one of those people who can graft when they need to. Something I can't/don't do but I admire it in others.