I'm Sick

Yesterday I went for a big long walk to clear my head and I think I stayed out too long because today I've been sneezing and coughing and bringing up nasty green spit.

I took the cough bottle and sat having a good old wheeze to myself. One of the sweaty metallers called round about something or other, I'm not sure what, but I made him kiss my hand, and he asked if he could lick my fingers.

I told him no.

He fucked off after that and Fabian Wildman told me he thinks there's trouble brewing.

I asked him to fetch me some scissors because I needed to defend myself in my weak state.

He reminded me that's why we have a big mean dog, and I reminded him that Battle Cat was a gentle soul and liked to play and not bite anyone.

He relented and brought me scissors, but he took hours to find them. In the end I refused them because I don't really trust myself with them.

I boked in a glass beside my bed and threw it out my window onto the street below. Nasty business being sick.

The party wasn't as cool as I'd thought

Turns out after thinking I had rock and rolled all night and been super cool that people at the party are calling me a spide. It's all because I threatened to hit that guy who was drawing on my face. Now here's what happened in detail:

I wake up on the couch,

dickhead is drawing on my face.

I grab him by the front of his shirt and put my fist up close to his face.

I say: "If you're still here when I get back from washing my face, there will be trouble."

I leave to go and wash my face and you know the rest about meeting the cool gurl.

Now Betty Blue told us last night that this is the way it's being told by some of the dicks at the party.

That I punched the guy in the face and chipped his tooth. Then I gave him a chinese burn on the leg and he's been walking with a limp ever since.

What a gang of mutherfuckers.

Betty Blue says that she knows I didn't hit him but that the guy is well liked as a practical joker and often gets into bad situations when pissed and that his mates are very protective of him. Fabian Wildman said to me that it's a shame because he knew I was excited about how cool the party had been but violence is the one thing that lot can't tolerate. They've learned other ways of fucking people over. Do it to each other regularly.

Turns out Hot Baby Roy got on great by using the "Ghost" line:

Namely, he says that Ghost is his favourite movie because he loves the bit where they fanny around with the pottery. Liar.

Art School Confidential

The party was a strange affair. Hot Baby Roy was on his best behaviour and have even had a wash (not just himself, his clothes!).
I don't know much about art beyond a few chats with Betty Blue, and even then I only know some weird facts (they're the only ones that stick in my head).

My nerves got the better of me and I got fairly pished early on. Some guy sat talking to me about how he wanted his house covered in Mother of Bowling Ball just like his electric rock and roll grunge guitar. And how he doesn't like that his girlfriend likes to hang out with asshole graffiti guys down at Pilot St. I told him that graffiti was cooler than mother of bowling ball any day of the fucking week. Then I went to the toilet and boked all over the show. Nasty as fuck. I fell asleep hugging the bowl.

I woke up at about midnight with someone banging at the door telling me that they needed to pish. I told them to find a beer can. They shouted back.

"I can't, I'm a gurl."

In one of those shit American accents people over here pick up watching shite like Gilmore Girls and Party of Five.

I wondered out of the bathroom and found a sofa to sleep on. I woke up to find this guy putting make up on my face. I told him if he was still here when I came back from washing my face he was in a lot of trouble.

As it was, the girl who wanted a pish had fallen asleep too, (she must have been hugging the bowl too). She came out looking dazed. As it turned out she loved the make up and said (this is verbatim):

"I like to go a little trans-gender too sometimes."

Then I stuck the lips on her. Rock on.

It was a fucking great party.

An Invitation of Sorts

Today me and Fabian Wildman walked to Ormeau Park with Battle Cat, He said he really likes it here and it would be shit if they turned it into the national stadium and that they should put it somewhere else.

I asked him if he wanted it put elsewhere, he said he didn't care he just didn't want it there.

He told me that he thinks we need to talk. He said he thinks that I've been single for a while and that he thinks it's because of Hooka. I told him it wasn't.

He said that he knew that I really liked Hooka and that when she fucked off I just made some remark about how I was glad it was all out of the way and that maybe I was but that he was sure I just kept a lot of it inside and didn't let it out and that he thinks I should.

I said that wasn't true and that it was easy enough for him to say that because he was with Betty Blue and he could run around in his slinky zentai and get her to let him eat boiled eggs out of her pussy.

He said that he'd been with Betty Blue for a while now and that he was very happy with her but it could end, and if it did he'd be sad but he's aware that it's not set in stone and it's all about having the balls to give it a go.

I told him I did have balls and he took out a picture of Hermione Granger.

"You see this woman? This is Emma Watson who plays Hermione Granger. You could someday become her boyfriend..."

"Yeah right, like she'd look twice at me," I snorted.

"You could," he said. "Stranger things have happened. But you need to know that even if you did, you'd not be going out with Hermionne Granger. You can't. It can't be done. She only exists in the fictional world of J.K Rowling."

"And in the hearts of Potter fans everywhere," I said triumphantly.

"The point I'm trying to make is you need to start fancying real women. Not fantasy girls who only exist on TV or in books."

"What about Hot Baby Roy?" I said.

"I've had this chat with him last night. But forget about him, do you see what I'm saying?"

"I suppose," I said.

"Because if you do then Betty Blue is having a party at hers tonight with her arty pals, you might meet someone you like there, but not if you're going looking for Hermione Granger."

"I don't want some wierdo who drinks paint and tries to shit international blue either," I mumbled. We'll see how it goes.

It all comes out (a bit)

I got really pissed the other day when I was down at Nanny Boo Boo's, that old lady likes to pack her vodka away. I like it too but vodka always leaves me in a really emotional state and after blurting out to her that I wasn't looking forward to Fabian Wildman leaving and how my brother Wino Jo had been missing all year and no one's seen him and I hadn't heard from my brothers in months and I was pissed off that no one gave a fuck. I told her about Foosted Wotsit head and how I thought he'd done something to Wino Jo but that he'd disappeared to and all the leads were cold.

She said that I should put an add in the Belfast Telegraph but I said I'd no money and sure no one reads the classifieds except for spooks looking for instructions on their next mission.

She asked me some more about Foosted Wotsit Head and when I told her she said that she'd known him years ago and that she was surprised he was a wino because back in the day gambling was his thing and that he played a mean game of stud poker.

I was so plastered but when I got home Fabian Wildman was out and so I phoned my metaller brother in Larne but he wasn't in so I left him a voice mail. I have to admit I was pretty emotional so it just came out something like:

"Wino Jo...Wino Jo...where is Wino Jo....f-f-f-Foosted Wotsit Head has had bad dreams."

Or some shit so I hate to think what he made of it. I haven't heard back from him. I might leave it a week or two and call again.

A Critique of Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging

Hot Baby Roy hasn't been over since we watched Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging he left the DVD for us in case we wanted to view it alone.

I told Fabian Wildman that I thought Hot Baby Roy was a sleaze and that I felt uncomfortable watching that pish movie the other night. Fabian Wildman said that he thought the movie was quite sweet and he'd enjoyed it. I'd just sat through it looking for things to sneer at and that I should have just relaxed and watched it.

I said it was so bad I fell asleep.

He said I should watch it again, like Hot Baby Roy suggested, because he thinks I have more in common with Hot Baby Roy than I probably realise. He said that both me and Hot Baby Roy have been single for a long time so Hot Baby Roy lives vacariously through romance movies and I just sneer at anything that suggests affection because I'm scared of being rejected.

I said this wasn't the case, that I had initiated two sexes this year so far, with two different girls, one of them an American and the other a rock and roll vomit heavy metaller, and neither one had shown even the slightest intention of knocking me back.

He said it hardly made me Joey from Friends but that he wasn't just talking about sex he was talking about connecting with someone. He thinks me and Hot Baby Roy should look for girlfriends instead of lusting after Hermione Granger/ Emma Watson.

I hope he doesn't have a point but I suspect he might have one. I'm going to go and walk Battle Cat and mull it over.

Fabian Opens Up Doors for my Heart

Me and Fabian Wildman were talking about him moving out over the past few days and much as I think he's in the clear he says that he's heard knocks at the door when I've been out and he didn't answer because he didn't want hauled off to jail. He has every intention of staying free just like Braveheart.

We went on Daft and Gumtree and we've viewings lined up this week for Florencville Avenue, Dunluce Avenue, Camden St, Candahar St and Cairo St.

Fabian Wildman wants me to come and view the houses with him. I'm looking forward to it. I hope he moves in with a sexy girl. Cos he's with Betty Blue and I can call round and if he's not there I'll say I'll hang about til he gets home then I'll letch on her and we'll fall in love.

Speaking of Betty Blue he's got her a voucher for a sexy spa where he says they'll sort her bush out. Two birds with one stone he keeps saying. He's very methodical when he's off the crack.

Fabian's Sex Problem

Fabian Wildman said today that he needs to have a chat with Betty Blue about her lady parts.

I asked him was that not a bit personal to be telling me.

He said that I was the only one to talk to because he doesn't have a sister (yuk!). I wanted to be a good friend so I asked him what was wrong.

He said that she needs to shave her lady bits because eating her pussy is like trying to find your way out of Glenariff Forest. I told him I'd never been and he said that it wasn't important for me I could still understand the metaphor.

He said that Betty Blue has the hairy bush but when she comes it's like a waterfall so he wants to be sensitive and not lose her.

I asked him if it was important for him that she was bald like a child and he said he didn't like that idea at all and that maybe he'd let her have a hairy pussy but it looked a real mess when he munched a few eggs out of it and it looked like he had thick ugly smeg and it made him look bad.

I asked him who else but him and her would see it and he said he had his suspicions.

I told him that I thought Betty Blue's love for him was pure and that maybe he should just trust her more and maybe buy Betty Blue a voucher for a waxing salon. He thought about it a bit longer and shook his head. He went upstairs and smashed some stuff. Fabian's weird when he's not doing crack.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Orangemuggles

Fabian Wildman was all excited when he saw me this morning. I thought it was because he was getting ready to go to the parades. He said it was because he'd some good news for me.

He said that he read that the Ron Weasley had the swine flu and that now was my chance to get hot and heavy with Hermione Granger. I told him that Ron Weasley was fine and that it was only the actor Rupert Grint who acted him that was sick but that he was better and if I ever had a chance I'd missed it.

He looked a bit crestfallen, but he soon cheered up when I asked him what he was doing today. He said he'd sniffed some sharpies and he was off to watch the parades. He asked if I fancied joining him, it's not really my thing but it's been a while since we done felt tips together, so I stuck a blue white board marker up my nose and off we went.

We were there for a wee while digging on da tunes when I said to Fabian Wildman that they should write some tunes for dancing.

This spide said that I wasn't a true prod and that him and his mates would fight me.

I told him he had a point but that I'd a better one and I'd be sticking it up his arse with my foot.

Apart from that the rest of the day was fine.

The Hermione Granger Fan Club

Hot Baby Roy might read my blogs because after me slagging him off a bit recently he showed up at the house today saying that he'd a present for me.

I was a bit dubious but he went into his coat pocket and pulled out a folded up bit of paper to reveal a picture of the lovely Emma Watson who plays the gorgeous Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies.

He said he was a big fan of hers but he knew I was too so he thought he'd bring me a gift.

I was very happy.

I invited him in for a cup of tea and a chat about Hermione.

It soon turned out that Hot Baby Roy was more into Emma Watson and I was more into Hermione. I told him my love for Hermione was pure, while he said he'd love to have sex with Emma Watson under a waterfall.

I didn't fancy his chances but I told him that was a nice thing to think about.

He said that if Razorlight could do it, so could he, because Razorlight was an ugly bastard and Hot Baby Roy had moves.

He has a point there but I'm not so sure her and Razorlight did the deed. I suspect if they did that Razorlight would boast about it in a song.

He said that when he came off crack he'd written her a letter, not about sex but about the other emotions he felt for her. She never replied. He included a picture in it too. That might be the reason why.

He said he was doing his Care Bear Stare in the photo and that if he ever met her he'd do it and he'd be sure to win her heart. He did it for me and I told him he'd have more luck if he just bundled her into the back of a van.

He asked what me and Fabian Wildman were doing for the twelfth. I told him I didn't know about Fabian Wildman but I liked to sleep all day and wank a bit. I waved the Hermione picture at him to show I appreciated the effort because he looked a bit sad that we weren't doing anything.

Perhaps Hot Baby Roy is lonely like I used to be.

Hot Baby Roy's Comic Book Creation

Hot Baby Roy called round today. He said since Fabian Wildman was off crack he thought the two of them might start paling around again.

He started talking about how he had started drawing comics and he had an idea for an action hero that was going to make him millions.

He said that it wasn't really his idea but that he was visited by people while high on crack and they told it to him and said he could use it free of charge.

Fabian Wildman (perhaps sensing a chance to change the subject) told him that I used to hallucinate that I was being visited by a daemon that looked like Sammy Wilson.

Hot Baby Roy snorted at this and said Sammy Wilson was a good man and that he wouldn't visit a crackhead. (He neglected to mention whether or not he believed him to be a daemon).

I said I wasn't so sure that they were hallucinations and that Sammy Wilson (or Balkazaler) told me a few things that convinced me they were one and the same.

There was an awkward silence after this and nobody would look at each other.

Fabian Wildman tried to ease the tension by asking Hot Baby Roy what his idea was.

Hot Baby Roy said that he'd come up with this character who was a big strong man and a kung-fu expert and he could kick the fuck out of any woman.

There was another awkard silence after this and Fabian Wildman asked him why women.

Hot Baby Roy said that there were lots of female comic book characters whose only selling point was that they could beat up men, and he was just turning the tables on them. He listed off Barb Wire and Supergirl.

Fabian Wildman pointed out that Supergirl could also fly but he'd give him Barb Wire.

Hot Baby Roy stormed out of the house cursing his head off.

North Coast Railway Journey

Yesterday, as a treat, Fabian Wildman bought me and him daytracker tickets from translink. They give you unlimited travel on the trains for one day for only six quid. Great bargain we thought, especially because we both needed a day outside Belfast. We left Battle Cat down with Nanny Boo Boo early on and off we went.

We decided we'd get off at each town and walk around for a wee while. Here's what we thought of each of them:

Antrim - hole.

Ballymena - Looks like the eighties never ended. All the people look the same (they might be inbred).

Cullybackey - We didn't get off here (based on what we could see from the window).

Ballymoney - Red brick all the way. Cool train station though.

Coleraine - National Front training camp, they should build a big concrete wall around it and fill it in with cement.

We didn't stop at either Castlerock or Bellarina but there are cool views from the train around these places.

Derry - We liked Derry, we went into a few cool pubs here but we had to get the train back at seven, bit too early.

We were glad to get back to Belfast and when we did we cowered in fear at what was outside it. On the way back we talked about Bear Grylls and how he must come from outside Belfast because we saw a lot of people who we thought would walk about the countryside eating dead animals. Fabian Wildman said he thought bear wouldn't have got invited to any funerals because afterwards he'd dig up the grave again and have a good old much of the dead person. We cowered in fear. I don't want to go outside Belfast again for a long time.

Hermione Granger is further away than ever and the guy from Abba is a weirdo

I stayed in tonight because I'm skint as fuck and Fabian Wildman sat all sulky and teary eyed trying to start conversations with me about Jacko that I'd no interest in. I was contemplating licking the bowl (that's how far gone I was) when Jonathan Ross came on. I like Johno and I haven't watched him in ages. So I thought I'd check him out. I was so happy to find that his first guest was the sexy Hermione Granger (well, not Hermione really, it was Emma Watson who plays her in the films). Anyways Emma was being all cool and funny and I think I've forgiven her for dating Razorlight (I hate him). Then she turns round and says she has a boyfriend. I was fucking livid I nearly kicked the tv round the house for the rest of the evening. I tried to hold back but I was seriously considering doing it anyway when she says that she had to kiss Ron Weasley and it felt like incest. I felt a wee throb in my crotch and gave myself a good rub down. I was a bit all over the place for the rest of the show until I saw Benny from Abba's sixties band the Hep Stars. Here they are, what a weird bunch of fuckers:

Fabian Faces Facts!

Thank fuck, we've finally got some rain to get rid of this pish heat. I've been sleeping in the nip at night and Fabian Wildman has been slithering about in his zentai screaming that it's all too much. The zentai wearing has lasted for a bit longer than usual but I think he's just having one last fling because his next flatmate might not be so understanding about it.

He emerged from his cocoon (his analogy - not mine) this morning looking malnourished but surprisingly more clean asking if he could have some toast.

I told him to help himself and he stormed off in a huff. I don't know what's up with him. Betty Blue called round to see him later and they spent a long time up in his room listening to Michael Jackson records and I'm sure I heard him wailing at one point. Poor Fabian, I didn't know he was such a fan. Jacko was never really here nor there with me. I think the press were ballbags to him but really it's none of my business.

Betty Blue came out to get some tissues for him and a glass of water because he was nearly dehydrated. I asked her if she was a Jacko fan. She said not really, when she was a wee girl her favourite song was Martine McCutcheon's Perfect Moment but that it wasn't really that good. It was just because she thought it was like Martine's character Tiffany from Eastenders' perfect moment, not Martine's.

An Old Man Bokes

I was up town today and by fuck Belfast smells like a shithole and that's saying something because most of the time you have to put up with the fact that most of the city doesn't wash and even those that do don't buy BO spray. I was walking down Fountain Place when an old man stopped and boked up, at first I thought it was just a drunk but when I asked him if he was pissed he shook his fist at me and shouted.

"I'm not blootered! This shithole smells of shit!"

Nasty mouth on the oul fucker. I walked off up the road and bumped into my hot shot banker brother. He was out having a Subway. I asked him how he could eat with the smell, and he said:

"I actually find the smell of shit quite pleasant," then he just turned and walked off before I'd even a chance to say anything more. What a dick!